Online Egocentricty

ella-wide

Mike Price: It’s like when Ella sings. Sang. When she wanted it to, her last note faded into itself, and then there was sweet silence wrapped into its own perfect moment.

Why Keith Left

keith olbermann leaves msnbc

Mike Price: Everybody seems to have a theory about the “real” reason for Keith Olbermann’s sudden departure from MSNBC. Mine, not that anybody asked, is that it had something to do with his insistence upon reading James Thurber to us every Friday at the close of his show.

It’s Just an Ouchy

Mike Price: Because of the unlimited money that poured into devious ads and outright lies that strangled the truth prior to the 2010 elections, millions of Americans got blind-sided, but not blinded.

Upsides

white horse

Mike Price: The upside of having emphysema is that, between gasps, one tends to recall and savor more sharply the rilly, rilly, realest earthly joys of life…

Topic? I Don’t Need No Stinking Topic

Viagra

Mike Price: Rubes, suckers, marks, johns, and other clubbies apparently think that tossing bottles around is the same as good bartending. Wrong. People who need juggling with their alcohol should do their drinking at the circus.

Dear Tea Party Member

teabagger howl

Mike Price: Okay, not hate. But we surely feel sorry for sheep-like tea party puppets destroying our country for no other reason than they’re too mentally lazy to think for themselves.

Parade Rest

usmc

Mike Price: I’m an old guy with a bad leg, a mine-shattered spine, and a damn hose in my nose. I have no choice. The case of emphysema I won for smoking several million cigarettes has moved into its final stage. All life may be terminal, but emphysema writes its own last act.

An Article of Faith

Michaelangelo Price: And what about O’Reilly’s “alone time” fantasy, fake writer Ann Coulter? Can you imagine her piggish self-interest in social climbing the dregs of Long Island society has anything at all to do with genuine patriotism?

Not Just Another Cliche Thriller: Just Another Cliche Beginning

private eye

Mike Price: Like I said, dark and stormy with thunder pounding out a maniacal back-beat under the fierce snap-crackling of lightning that slammed against the Truckee River like a homicidal laser beam stabbing through dead-weight Indian-summer air, so screw you, Mrs. Randall, English Composition 101, who said run-on sentences don’t work.

Two Rants, No Waiting

chris matthews

Mike Price: Chris Matthews turned in a rock-solid, expressive, impressive, straight-down-the-middle performance that night on Leno’s private turf, and Jay seemed to be both surprised and a smidge taken aback by it all.

Thou Shalt Not Abridge

til death

Mike Price: If they really want laughs, Fox TV should use the stars of their cable “news” sister, Fox Voice Of Limbaugh, to do a remake of the Three Stooges with Bill O’Reilly, Glen Beck, and that self-styled, “Great American,” Sean Hannity.

Flight of the Bumblepeanut (An American Saga)

chez jay

Mike Price: Many other L.A. saloons (let’s face it, they’re ALL saloons) have enjoyed a healthy share of celebrity. Scandia. The Cock ‘n Bull. The Ming Room…all successful, all popular, and all gone. Only a very few well-known bistros prospered until they became the stuff of legends. Among those is Chez Jay’s.

The History of All Media in Less Than 400 Words

Mike Price: Here is really what’s germane to the plot. I blundered, realized it, and told you about it as soon as possible, fully realizing that such a bizarre course of action goes against everything we’re accustomed to getting from Haliburton, Haliburton subsidiaries, BP executives, right-wingydings, politicians, radio blabbers, media whores, talk-show “experts,” broadcast prognosticators, blondish corporate spokesmodels, and the entire Fox News menagerie of well-coiffed ignorami.

Flashback: A Classy Guy

Doris Day and Rock Hudson

Michaelangelo Price: Rock Hudson was, literally, too big for the boat. The sumptuous main cabin had standing-room of 6 feet 2 inches, but it wasn’t enough airspace for him, and he must have cracked his skull against the overhead a thousand times during those first few days. He never got upset about it, though. About anything, as a matter of fact.

Watching Conan Twitch

conan o'brien

Mike Price: Listen up, O’Brien’s band of merry suits. Twitching may have killed ‘em at the Hasty Pudding Editorial Planning Brunch, but it won’t fly with people who have grown-up wants, needs, and programming options.

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