Defense of Marriage

Newt Gingrich and latest wife.

Republican John Boehner, Speaker of the House, will defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in court. Boehner says he needs to take time out from creating jobs to defend marriage because President Obama and the Department of Justice just won’t do it. But don’t cry, Mr. Speaker, you did create at least one job for one lawyer.

Cost? According to the Washington Blade, a leading gay and lesbian magazine, and former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “…defense of DOMA would cost the government hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars…”

I think, though, Speaker Boehner has a secret plan: hiring the unemployed to defend marriage. Makes perfect sense. With over 60 million marriages in the United States and 13 million unemployed, each unemployed person would end- up defending five-and-a-quarter marriages. Mother-in-law interferring in your marriage? Is your spouse cheating? Boring sex endangering marital bliss? DOMA employees to the rescue!

Can a Department of Marriage be far behind?

And we need an Advisory Committee to identify those who are attacking marriage. The Chair? Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. With Newt now enjoying his third marriage, which was performed in the Catholic Church, he could tell us how he was unable to defend his marriages from younger women. (A definite menace to the institution of marriage.) Newt recently ‘fessed-up to Evangelicals, saying that it was his patriotism which “forced” him to cheat on his wife. Newt wants to be President. No telling what a President Gingrich’s patriotic fervor might stimulate! Evangelicals didn’t accept Bill Clinton’s behavior and will, no doubt, be praying for Newt and his newly found Catholicism.

Nevada Senator John Ensign

The committee, though, should have representation from faithful couples such as Newt’s half-sister, Candace, a lesbian. Candace, lives with her first-and-only wife, Rebecca Gingrich-Jones. Ironically, if their marriage needed protection, it wouldn’t qualify for federal help since their marriage, under DOMA, isn’t legal.

Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada would be in charge of outlawing divorce. He certainly would have the time since he just announced he won’t run for re-election. The Las Vegas Review Journal reported that the good Senator wants people to learn two things from his “regrettable” eight-month affair with a married woman who was his wife’s best friend: “One is, don’t do it. Second, if it does happen, it doesn’t have to ruin your marriage. You can work things out.” Hallelujah, Senator Ensign. Are you going to mandate chastity belts for married women? Or, to get really serious, John, demand the Biblical equivalent of an eye-for-an-eye: a testicle removal for each episode of infidelity. I am sure Ensign’s fellow Evangelicals find it difficult to accept his behavior.

Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who successfully defended his marriage from a long sting of New Orleans hookers.

I hope former Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards will be on the committee. John had to defend his marriage from a younger woman who viciously attacked his marriage by becoming pregnant. By some miracle, while John’s marriage to his cancer-stricken wife survived, his wife, Elizabeth, tragically, didn’t. John is easily the ultimate political sleazebag*. Put him in charge of lowering government drug costs by making it illegal to supply Viagra to politicians. On the other end of the spectrum, vilified gay men like Californians Ed Watson and Derence Kernik, who have been together for 40 years, want to get married and are begging the courts to quickly decide Prop 8 in favor of same-sex marriage (see video below this article). Ed has been been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the couple is desperately hoping to marry while he can still recognize Derence. Any thoughts, John?

And let’s include Senator Orin Hatch and the Mormon Church. On one hand, the church fought Prop 8 to take away the right of lesbians and gay men to legally marry in California, while on the other giving birth to as many as 50,000 polygamists and their marriages. Journalist Scott Anderson, who wrote about Mormon polygamist homes in the February, 2011, National Geographic, witnessed that, “(The homes are) a very wholesome environment; there was very much an outdoor lifestyle; kids helped in the community with projects — they’d bring in harvests.

carl matthes

But then, whenever it starts feeling very normal, I’d encountered situations like two sisters married to the same man; I interviewed a mother and daughter married to the same man — it wasn’t incest because the mother had been transferred from another husband, and the daughter married the same man six months later.” To me, these marriages sound more like a can of worms. Even so, Senator Hatch needs to make sure that his constituent’s marriages are included in Boehner’s defense of DOMA.

Americans have a sense of fairness. It is now being awakened to the union-breaking, anti-middle class antics of Wisconsin governor Scott Walker and politicians who are hypocrites, some of whom want to deny basic Constitutional protections to gay men and lesbians. America deserves better.

*Definition of a sleazebag: “The sleazebags who run the porn studios wouldn’t hesitate to use their own mothers.”

Carl Matthes

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