An Elephant for Sister Sarah

sarah palinJust in time to take advantage of the uptick in movie ticket sales is ”The Undefeated,” a film that will hopefully “reflate” the political life of America’s Republican sweetheart, Sarah Palin. The documentary will be released next month in Iowa, a state not known for “…corn as high as an elephant’s eye.”

Stephen Bannon, producer, said that the million dollar film will feature Mrs. Palin’s personal observations as she visits U.S. historical sites.

First on the itinerary is America’s largest city, New York, where Sarah stops at Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue, sites of her historic 2008 wardrobe purchases. Sarah gives personal insights about the $150,000 in clothing she purchased and dramatically re-enacts the moment of purchase using the actual credit card issued by the Republican National Committee. (A very emotional moment for this young Wasila Wal-Mart shopper.) The credit card will be auctioned-off as an American historical keepsake on E-Bay. And, in her own words, Sarah will describe her suffering through the alteration process.

Though it added greatly to the budget, Bannon was able to fully charge the clothing cost to his film.

Second stop is California’s Ventura County and the Hair Grove in Westlake Village. The site, which is rumored to be first on Mrs. Palin’s list of new National Monuments, is honoring Angela, the woman who coifed Mrs. Palin, as she was getting ready to grace John McCain’s arm. According to the Ventura County Star, “Angela has been living a dream life…flying around in private jets, surrounded by Secret Service, an intimate in the glamour and excitement of Palin’s leap to national celebrity status.” Of special interest to female voters will be the re-enactment of the unique frosting process which the “twenty-something stylist” formulated especially for Mrs. Palin. The film reveals that the secret ingredients are infused with “Moose” and then applied hot to Mrs. Palin’s bangs.

Fortunately, for Bannon’s budget, the re-enactment only cost $75.00 plus tip.

Next stop is the Merle Hay Mall optometrist shop in Des Moines, Iowa. Sarah is shown searching for Women’s Titanium Kawasaki 704 Eyeglasses. She chooses these glasses because she can see Kawasaki, who is a professor at Osaka University in Japan, from her front porch. Bannon, who is determined to show Sarah’s pro-America mindset, reveals for the first time that the glasses Sarah wears are actually a low-priced knock-off of the famous designer’s eyewear. Reason? Sarah didn’t like that foreign name so close to her eyes.

carl matthesAnother fortunate turn of events for Bannon. Knock-off cost? Under $40.00

According to at least one Iowa farmer, “…field corn is generally harvested from late September to early November. Exactly when it gets harvested in Iowa depends on when the seed was planted, and weather conditions, including whether or not the harvester can get into the field without getting stuck in mud.”

With Bannon opening in June, and considering the variety and size of his corn, he can expect a bumper crop within 60 to 90 days.

Carl Matthes

Published by the LA Progressive on June 2, 2011
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About Carl Matthes

Carl Matthes is a native of Los Angeles and has lived in Eagle Rock for 45 years. He is the current president of UGLA, Uptown Gay and Lesbian Alliance, a grassroots organization in Northeast Los Angeles which provides a support system for gay men and lesbians and education for individuals and the community-at-large on the true nature of homosexuality. He is a former columnist and a current advisor to the Lesbian News, the oldest lesbian publication in America, which is owned and published by his sister, Ella. He was editor of the GLAAD/LA (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) newsletter, a former GLAAD National Board member and served as a GLAAD/LA representative on the LGBT/LAPD Advisory Board. Carl has also been a Board member of AIDS Healthcare Foundation.

In July, 2008, Carl was legally married to Carl Johnson, his partner of 45 years, by Los Angels City Councilmember Jose Huizar. It was a unique gay/lesbian double ceremony as Carl's sister Ella and her partner Gladi were also married by Jose.