Bye-Bye, Bird Brain

Goodbye Michele Bachmann“You want to laugh, but don’t, because the secret of Michele Bachmann’s success is that every time you laugh at her, she gets stronger.” — Matt Taibbi

I‘m sorry, Taibbi, but I just can’t help it.

She’s leaving. What shall I do? What shall I do. Those of us who make our names commenting on the utter catastrophe that American politics has become in the last quarter century will need to make some serious adjustments.

Our lives will become a bit more difficult come January - just a bit, mind you. We won’t have Michele Bachmann to kick around anymore. This is going to take some getting used to. I am consoled by the fact that there are still hundreds half-witted neanderthals polluting the halls of Congress who will continue to make our lives a joy. And then there’s good old Ted Cruz! He’ll always be good copy – no doubt about it. Ah, but that Michele….she is unique: The Buster Keaton of unintentional comedians. Damn you, fate! My life just won’t be the same without her. [SIGH]

We should thank the great Chris Matthews for the scourge of Bachmann. It was an appearance she made in October 2009 on his MSNBC program, Hardball, which shot this silly dingbat into the political stratosphere. On this particular installment she told Matthews that every Democrat in Washington should be investigated for his or her “un-American” views. I was watching this spectacle on the  five o’clock broadcast in wide-eyed wonderment. I tuned in again to the 7 PM rebroadcast just to assure myself that I hadn’t been hallucinating. I hadn’t been.

In normal times such an idiotic statement would have hurled this moronic woman right back into well-deserved obscurity. Instead the Republican party turned her into a national superstar. Aren’t politics a scream?

Everyone has a gift of some sort. People are gifted in different ways. Michele Bachman was born with the gift of idiocy. She is the Queen of Gaffes. Consider, if you will, this choice humdinger:

“We know there was slavery that was still tolerated when the nation began. We know that was an evil, and it was a scourge and a blot and a stain upon our history. But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. And I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forebears who worked tirelessly – men like John Quincy Adams – who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.”

What rankles me more than anything is how these right-wingers tend to be completely ignorant of the history of the country they claim to love a lot more than the rest of us. First of all, John Quincy Adams was not one of the Founding Fathers. Although who among us can take issue with her claim that he “would not rest until slavery was extinguished”? On January 31, 1865 when the Thirteenth Amendment which outlawed slavery forever was made the law of the land, Adams was resting quite comfortably indeed. He had been dead for 18 years.

In announcing her decision not to seek a fifth term in Congress next year, Michele produced an eight-and-a-half minute video which was posted on her website. She now claims that she has a new-found respect for the concept of term limits. If eight years is good enough for a president of the United States, well then - gosh darn it - it’s good enough for her. She assures us that it’s just a coincidence that her campaign finances are being investigated by the FBI. That nasty little reality has nothing to do with her desire to skip town. How noble.

The fact that even the nitwits of Minnesota’s Sixth District who sent her to Washington in the first place are now embarrassed by her had nothing to do with her decision either. She still plans on fighting the good fight against those liberal heathen (like yours truly) who are conspiring to turn this grand and glorious land of ours into a place that the Founding Fathers “would not recognize”. She tells us that her “talents” (such as they are) would be put to better use outside of Washington. Bullshit. Like Sarah Palin before her, she saw the writing on the wall - and it’s covered in dollar signs. There’s a buck to be made, many millions of them in fact – and this greedy bitch has every intention of exploiting all of the juicy possibilities. As Zero Mostel said in the role of Max Bialystok from the 1968 film, The Producers:

“AHHHHHHH! I WANT THAT MONEY!!!!

Is she planning on a well-paying gig on Fox Noise? I think she’s in for a bit of a disappointment if that is the case. As low as the standards are over at Fox, I can’t imagine in my wildest dreams that even they would humiliate themselves with a “Michele Bachmann Show”. The bar just doesn’t get that low. Perhaps an AM radio show would sell in the Deep South. As the existence of Michael Wiener Savage proves, AM has no standards whatsoever. She can also make a killing in personal appearances. The jackasses in the Tea Party are still crazy about her after all these years. Actually that statement is just a tad misleading: As we all know by now - with or without Michele - they’re just crazy period.

Washington will be a bit less weird when she heads off into the sunset in January of 2015, which is a good thing - 
for your purposes - not for mine. My gal Michele is the gift that keeps giving. She won’t be going away from the national stage, you can count on that. But one can’t blame her for wanting to leave DC. As the District of You-Know-Where gets nuttier by the hour it’s difficult for a real media whore to stand out. As bat-shit-crazy as this Congresswoman undeniably is, she’s got some serious competition. Insanity junkies are a dime a dozen in Washington these days. The time has come for our gal to strike out on her own. Service to the people doesn’t mean a goddamned thing to the likes of Michele Bachmann.

A tip of the hat and a raising of the glass to the gal. She claims that she’s here to stay and I’ll take her at her word. She and Fascist Barbie from Wasilla, Alaska – in fact the entire Tea Party movement – have always been oodles of fun to observe – not unlike a boxcar packed with clowns that has derailed and overturned at a highway train crossing.

tom deganIt’s been quite amusing (to say the least) watching them destroy what at one time was the political house of Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. When the damage is complete – as it will be in a few short years – she and her compatriots in craziness will be relegated once again to the fringes of society and the dust bin of history.

Pack up all her cares and woes
There she goes, singin’ low
Bye-bye bird brain….

Cheer up. She’ll still be a presence in Washington, waxing idiotic for another year-and-a-half.

Tom Degan
The Rant

Sunday, 2 June 2013

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Comments

  1. harry wood says

    I agree that she should not be a TV host but then neither should you. She is somewhere off in the edges and you are rude and crude, you could have used a more civil tone and delivered the same message.

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