WHITE HOUSE – AUGUST, 2005-
White House Kitchen – A woman wearing a tall white chef’s hat answers a ringing phone. No other person is in the expansive kitchen. She punches on a speaker phone.
WOMAN CHEF: “Hello.”
MAN’S VOICE: “Vice President Cheney’s office, please.”
WOMAN CHEF: “He’s not here. I think he might be in Wyoming , or at some other undisclosed location.”
MAN’S VOICE: “Then, may I speak with Secretary Condoleezza Rice?”
WOMAN CHEF: “I believe Secretary Rice is in New York , seeing something about …luncheon meat…Spam, a lot of Shoes, or something.”
MAN’S VOICE: “Well then, would you connect me with Karl Rove’s office?”
WOMAN CHEF: “I imagine he’s with the president, in Crawford, Idaho, Arizona, or California .”
MAN’S VOICE: “I guess everyone left the White House because of the reconstruction work in the West Wing, the same reason the president had to leave.”
WOMAN CHEF: “Oh no, that work was finished the same day the president left. I’m here working on a new kind of lumpias for the White House menu. This is the new head Chef. I’m looking out the kitchen window at the Rose Garden. Would you like to speak to the gardener?”
MEANWHILE, AT THE CRAWFORD RANCH, THAT ISN’T A RANCH – AUGUST 2005
A Crawford Ranch game room. President George W. Bush sits at a monitor playing the video game, “Grand Theft Auto,” his back to the 10 monitors on the opposite wall, displaying the early, swirling progress of Hurricane Katrina.
VOICE OVER: “We have the Vice President on the line, Mr. President.”
BUSH: “Gotta finish this game. Tell him to hang on.”
VOICE OVER: “Yes Sir, Mr. President. Also they’re ready for your ‘brush clearing’ photo-op. Shall I send in the make-up person?”
BUSH: “I guess… Wait a minute! Yeah, send her. (Sounds of police sirens emanate from video game) Beat the sonsabitches again! When I’m on a roll, there ain’t nothin’ gonna stop this president! Okay, put the Vice President through.”
VICE PRESIDENT: (weak low voice) “Hello, Mr. President.”
BUSH: “Hiya, Uncle Dicky…heh, heh, heh. Got to think up a better nickname for ya… How’s about the Heart Break Kid?
A woman quietly enters the game room, carrying a make-up case and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up. She hesitates before approaching the president.
VICE PRESIDENT: “Mr. President, let’s not use that nickname, since I’m on an operating table right now, getting ready to have a new pace-maker put in me.”
BUSH: (looks up and speaks to the make-up woman) “Get out of here a minute, while I do some president stuff. (the woman leaves) Why didn’t you tell me before, Dick?”
VICE PRESIDENT: “Well, you know, we try to protect you from hearing bad news. Speaking of which, what’s happening with Katrina?”
BUSH: “Huh… She one of them Polack tennis players?”
The back wall monitors show the battering of the coasts as Hurricane Katrina grows.
Bush doesn’t bother to turn around to look at the monitors.
VICE PRESIDENT: “Katrina is a Category 4 or 5 hurricane that may rip into New Orleans . Didn’t Karl inform you, yet?”
BUSH: “No, but I’m sure ‘Turd Blossom,’ is working up a plan of attack that’ll make it the Democrat’s fault if Katrinka hits. Listen, I got to go clear some brush while the sun is right, but I have faith in the doctors and I’ll pray for you, buddy.”
The brush clearing photo-op is underway. Bush wears a shirt with pre-rolled up sleeves. The president looks at his clean new Stetson hat. He speaks to the make-up woman.
BUSH: “This hat looks brand new, so mess it up enough to look like I’ve done hard work! And the last sweat you sprayed on my face, looked fake. Put more oil in the spray, or somethin’. (Bush turns to talk to a man with a saw) Saw Man, you better have cut this one deep enough. The last one really made it almost too tough to cut. Could’ a been dangerous to the Presidency. Okay, let’s do hard work! Hand me the chain saw.”
Back in the Crawford game room. The president is playing “Grand Theft Auto,” again and still ignores the 10 monitors behind him showing the havoc of Hurricane Katrina.
VOICE OVER: “Mr. President, sorry to interrupt, Sir, but Karl Rove is on the line.”
BUSH: “Hi Turdy! What’s up?
ROVE: “Hello, Mr. President. I imagine you know about Katrina by now.”
BUSH: “The Vee Pee’r said somethin’ ‘bout it, but I figured if it was real important, you’d let me know. Is it important yet?”
ROVE: “It’s getting bad, but we’ll be able to take advantage of the pending disaster.”
BUSH: “Well, ya gotta tell the top dog here, what’s yer plannin’.”
ROVE: “I’m working to have the Federal National Guard under our control and the damn Democrat Louisiana Governor wants the State National Guard under her control.
BUSH: “If she’s giving you shit, I’ll take care of her!”
ROVE: “I don’t think it’ll be necessary. She accused us of wanting to federalize our troops so we could “shoot to kill.” She said she wouldn’t allow that. I told her if she didn’t turn over her State Guard, she’d get no help from us. Zero, zilch.”
BUSH: “Won’t that make us look bad?”
ROVE: “We’ll just turn it around and say the Democratic Governor and the Democratic Mayor of New Orleans didn’t allow any help to come in.”
BUSH: “What about the Blondie Senator?”
ROVE: “We don’t want to touch her. She’d remind everyone she asked for Army Engineer funding for repairing the levee’s and bank’s about a hundred times on the Senate Floor.”
BUSH: “What’s the long range plans?”
ROVE: “We’ve got our team on board for Louisiana and Mississippi . Mike Chertoff, Mike Brown, and Halley Barbour. Halliburton has the pre-storm contract for reconstruction of the oil refineries if hit by a hurricane and it includes work on the levee’s too. Basically, the area’s cleared of all the poverty blood suckers and ripe for our developers and corporations. Haley is pleased as punch. Now he can use the coast of Mississippi to build gambling casinos and that’s what he wanted.”
BUSH: “Sounds great! Daddy couldn’t do all this, but I did it!”
ROVE: “It also gives us a reason to withdraw the troops from Iraq in time for the ’06 election. We’ll keep enough there to remain in control. The Democrats will still be confused and won’t know how to handle that turn of events.”
Bush raises his eyes heavenward.
by Jerry Drucker
Reprinted with permission from the Valley Democrats United newsletter, Margie Murray, Editor, where the article first appeared.
Jerry Drucker is a freelance writer and screenwriter, political progressive letterwriter, member of Valley Dems United, Dems for Change and Valley Grassroots for Democracy. Jerry was voted as the 41st AD man of the year for 2008 by the LA County Democratic Party members.
Recent articles by Jerry Drucker: