Felonius Ax in Tampa: Finally, One of Our Own

Mitt Romney Cold EyesFelonius Ax of the Billionaires here, reporting from Tampa:

I just got back to my suites at the Weston Tampa Harbor Island Hotel, where all the big Romney bundlers are crashing, from an afternoon of zany antics at the Americans For Prosperity do honoring David Koch and Art Pope for being the great entrepreneurs that they are. They took a page from the Paul Ryan tailgate party and also served brats and beer. I love it when we Billionaires serve poor people grub at our affairs. It really humanizes us with hoi polloi.

In response to Mr. Obama’s insistence that we “didn’t build that,” I have to say, “It’s true.” Y’all built it for us! That’s why you’re here. Your tax dollars build the infrastructure that permits our corporations to do business, your tax dollars filter upward into our pockets in the form of huge subsidies. We give you a raison d’etre. Otherwise your puny lives would be empty and pointless.

And tonight is the coronation of Mitt Romney. Everything else is a formality. Our Super-Pacs have November’s election covered. It’s all taken care of.

I must confess that we had our trepidations about Mitt. At first, we worried that his propensity to change his positions with the drop of a hat and say anything to anyone at any time in hopes that he might appeal to them would be liabilities.

But the man has, throughout his life, demonstrated great leadership ability too. Witness how he mobilized a mob of prep school boys to work toward a common purpose when he led them in attacking the one boy who didn’t quite fit in. At his insistence, the other boys held him down while Mitt sheared him of his curly golden locks. That’s how a president Romney will take care of people who challenge our status quo!

The kind of man who didn’t even care enough about a beloved family pet with a queasy stomach not to strap him to the roof of his car for a 12-hour family vacation is the kind of man who won’t hesitate to completely gut any humane provisions for our Agribusiness animals that he will never know personally.

He was the kid who, during his weekends in college, would don a Michigan State Trooper uniform every week and put a flashing light in his car and go out to stop people on the road just to toy with them. How very gangster!

This is a man completely devoid of compassion. You can see it when he laughs – his eyes are cold, just like sharks. We don’t need a president who is going to lie awake at night fretting about the shrinking middle class – we need a president who can look straight into a camera and tell those people that their taxes are going way up so that his and ours can be eliminated.

We need a president who can look grandma in the eye and tell her that the free lunch (that she paid for throughout her working life) that was Medicare is over, and now she can take her voucher and see just how much healthcare she can buy with it from one of our health insurance companies.

We need a president who can tell poor and disabled people that there are no more food stamps and no more Medicaid because it was more important to give my gas company a huge subsidy so we can pump Alberta tar sands to our refineries in Texas and sell the resultant oil to China.

We need a president who shares our values and goals.

Mitt showed us his mettle when he was at the helm of Bain – buying up companies – downsizing, outsourcing and squeezing every last drop out of them before leaving behind dried up little husks. Did he feel the slightest pang of remorse as thousands of Americans lost their jobs, their healthcare and their pensions so that his company could rake in awesome profits? Not in the least!

And like David Koch, and Art Pope, and me, Mitt didn’t earn his fortune. He inherited it. But he took that fortune, and thanks to a degree of predatory ruthlessness that I find positively thrilling, he parlayed it into a much bigger fortune (much of which is enjoying the privacy that the Swiss and Grand Caymans banking system affords).

clifford felonious ax tasner

You’ve all had a Catholic president, you just had your Black president – but now, one of us; a member of the most beleaguered, smallest minority in America today will be swept into office on a sea of a billion dollars of our unregulated, unlimited campaign cash to become America’s first Billionaire President! We could not be prouder.

This has been Felonius Ax of the Billionaires, reporting from Tampa.

 Clifford “Felonius Ax” Tasner

Posted: Thursday, 30 August 2012

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