Santa Meets the Press

green christmasIn 2007 there was a newspaper story about the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) raiding Santa’s workshop, hunting for what they had suspected to be the greatest surveillance system on earth that spied mostly on United States homes and lodgings. The accusation had been put forth by an anonymous source claiming: ‘how else would Santa know who gets what gifts and where?’ It turns out that in the FBI raid, the agents only uncovered gift wrapped electronic items, computers and cell phones. The question then arose as to how or who had initiated the FBI investigation in the first place, where no actual spy or surveillance equipment was found.

Santa Claus for the last several years had tried unsuccessfully to use a smart phone GPS for gift deliveries, but found the instrument and the process confusing. Then Santa learned from his SESOE Elves, (Santa’s Elf Section of Espionage) that the Republican National Committee (RNC) and the GOP (Greedy Obstructionist Party) initiated the FBI investigation as part of a Projection Project to distract (misdirect) from their own massive illegal surveillance programs being investigated from the Bush White House years’ and were hoping to extend the investigation by taking advantage of the statute of limitations to beat the rap. The project was labeled the Blame Santa Projection Project. (BSPP)

Readers may recall that shortly after George W. Bush was selected to be President, the RNC donated to the White House staff some 50 private (privatized) laptops for private political activities and of course this violated the Hatch Act, which clearly states there will be no political activities within the President’s Federal staff. There was a bit of a stir later when Karl Rove was asked to produce somewhere between 14 to 28 million missing e-mails. When Rove explained somehow they got lost, the Republican Attorney General concluded it was useless to try and find the missing messages that were probably lost forever.

In 2012, Santa Claus in his merry manner turned the tables on the RNC and GOP, by requesting that they share their United States surveillance program with Santa to better cover all the children of the nation. Santa claimed because of the current economy and the mean spirited action and attitude of the GOP House Members toward Christmas, he hoped to embarrass the ‘do nothing’ Republican anarchists to turn over their ill-gotten data to him, in order to make his job delivering gifts and happiness, easier and better.

Because of housing mortgage crash and mass killings, Santa decided to add all the major banks in his class action law suit along with the National Rifle Association. (NRA)

The Santa Claus class action suit was filed to represent all American Children and households. The class action litigation was leaked out by the Public Relation Elves. (The PRE unit) Jolly old Santa agreed to appear on Meet the Press:

DAVID: “We are honored and pleased to have Santa Claus for this exclusive and first interview of its kind for any media broadcast. Mr. Claus, welcome to Meet the Press.”

SANTA: “Ho, ho ho, David and thank you. You can call me Santa. All the kids do.”

DAVID: “Thank you Santa. Let’s open the conversation with a question that many people have been asking about, regarding your constant use of ‘Ho, ho, ho. Some people believe it’s racial and others say it’s sexist. How do you answer?”

SANTA: “Well now David, I really don’t know. I’ve always said Ho, ho, ho. It’s just a greeting, I thought. I’ll talk to my PR elves on that one and I’ll get back to ya.”

DAVID: “The Republican Party has complained that you clearly have a bias for the Democrat Party and yet you claim to be non-partisan. Did you initiate the class action lawsuit against the RNC, the major banks and the NRA for political reasons?”

SANTA: “Heavens to Betsy, no, David. I’m doing it for the children, not for politics.”

DAVID: “What about the Democrat Party? Don’t they have equivalency for the problems we have today? What about the Democrat’s data system? Why aren’t you litigating against them too?”

SANTA: “Well, I’m trying to recall—I think it back in– no, no it was back in Nineteen Fifty-Three, I read a book about Willie, ah Willie somebody who was known to say, “That’s where the money is.” The RNC has the most advanced data system in the world. I’ve learned through FEE (Financial Elves Estimators) that the NRC is made of money through Corporations and they should help me deliver gifts for the children of this great nation, both rich and poor, but the GOP didn’t lift a finger in their House Majority to help. You know, I hate to say it, but they’re really sick puppies.”

DAVID:“Another source said there was a reason you included the major U.S. Banks and the National Rifle Association in your lawsuit. What do the Banks and the NRA have to do with the Republican National Committee and your lawsuit?”

SANTA:“Well, we learned the RNC is tight with the NRA and the U.S. Banks. I can’t think too highly of that gun organization when they massacred Dancer and Prancer’s families with assault weapons. That wasn’t hunting for sport. That was murder. And as far as the U.S. Banks are concerned, you have no idea how many empty houses I visited last Christmas Eve. That meant hundred of thousands of kids that didn’t get their gifts. All those kids lost faith and credibility in Santa because of GOP obstruction and that’s a big part of my lawsuit.”

DAVID: “The GOP has answered your charge with the accusation that you used to be a ‘maker’ and now you’re just a ‘taker.’ They claim that you don’t make the gifts in Santa’s workshop anymore and get them from China.”

SANTA: “The nerve of them! The GOP is hand in hand with all the Corporations who went to China to get huge tax benefits and profits for moving their businesses overseas. So who pays most for those tax loopholes? According to my FEE Elves, it’s the Middle Class Tax Payers. I can’t compete with China. They pay their workers under a dollar an hour and I pay the Elves minimum wage!”

DAVID: “Santa, would you sum up for our viewers, your lawsuit against the Republicans, the Banks and the National Rifle Association?”

SANTA: “Each of the three groups has virtually destroyed the Christmas spirit of true love of gift giving and has taken away jobs, humanity and love and replaced it with greed along with profits and has battered the American way of life. The Christmas Spirit is as important as Mom, Apple Pie and the United States Constitution.”

Jerry Drucker

DAVID: “So what’s the answer to your lawsuit?”

SANTA: “Every Republican, Banker and NRA member should be required to see “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Miracle on 34th. Street” to the very end.

Jerry Drucker

Valley Dems United Newsletter, Margie Murray, Editor

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

About Jerry Drucker

Jerry Drucker is a freelance writer and screenwriter, political progressive letterwriter, member of Valley Dems United, Dems for Change and Valley Grassroots for Democracy. Jerry was voted as the 41st AD man of the year for 2008 by the LA County Democratic Party members.

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