Thou Shalt Not Abridge

til deathDon’t get me wrong, I have genuine respect for the Reader’s Digest . Throughout the years, I’ve turned to that compact staple of condensed Americana many times for social, sexual, medical, marital, political, environmental, financial, nutritional and even agricultural enlightenment, not to mention trekking along on its pages fore some unforgettable safaris to and through a stunning variety of, “Joe’s,” vital body parts.

Recently, however, I ran across on old story concerning that fine publication’s intent to go gospel, as it were, by planning to publish a 40,000 word version of…wait for it…the Bible.

Now, look. I don’t mean to be snippy about this, but, to stoop to the vernacular of Hollywood film-making, the Digest doing a version of the Holy Bible is just simply bad casting, as wrong as pineapple pizza, or chicken-flavored Jello, or giving someone you really love a “The Best Of Kathy Lee Gifford,” album.

With all due respects to Reader’s Digest, if those who want to spread The Word in a condensed form, they’d be better advised to pick a different publication, one that is already a… uh, bible.
Like Variety:

ADAM & EVE BOMB IN GARDEN, SNAKE HELD OVER

MOSES OPENS RED SEA GIG WITH WATER TRICK

LOCUSTS PLAY EGYPT AFTER SEVEN –YEAR HIATUS

LOT’S WIFE BOWS OUT OF ROAD TRIP

J.C. INKS PR PACT WITH JUDAS ASSOCIATES

JIMMY THE CANAANITE PICKS GOLIATH IN The 3RD BY A KNOCKOUT

DELILAH CUTS DEAL WITH HAIR CLUB FOR MEN

BP STILL STYMIED BY JERUSALEM TEMPLE’S OIL FIRE

I hope this helps.

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ITEM:

Craig Kilborn, whose video career we all figured had mercifully died, was once considered a deservedly obscure egomaniac with but one scintilla of fame. He made the nine viewers who regularly watched him on the earliest Late Late Show all wonder the same thing at the same time: How did such a no-talent putz ever get the job?

Wait, it gets worse. Kilborn’s back.

This time he’ll be on the less than sizzling ABC network, which means that somewhere in L.A there’s a doomed suit waiting to be fired. I’d hate to be the hapless patsy slated to take the fall for giving Kilborn’s congenital arrogance new room for growth, but whoever takes the rap is bound to be dispensed with shortly. And so will the putz.

The only thing that could keep Kilborn on the air, is, to paraphrase someone far glibber than I, “You’ll never go broke betting on the bad taste of American television viewers.”

Glibber is too a word. Stop picking on me.

ITEM:

Fox TV would have died in its infancy, had it not been rescued and given life by Al Bundy & family. I suspect they axed it because Rupert The Terrible though that skinny Italian-ish dude who sang the theme song for Love And Marriage would never get anywhere.

At the moment, on Sunday nights, Fox TV airs a really funny sitcom with a really lousy title for a comedy: ’Til Death.

Catch it if you can. ’Til Death is a show with smart, very smart, writing, plus pitch-perfect acting. Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher star and mesh beautifully, aided by the one and only Martin Mull, a truly gifted funny man.

Mike PriceIf they really want laughs, Fox TV should use the stars of their cable “news” sister, Fox Voice Of Limbaugh, to do a remake of the Three Stooges with Bill O’Reilly, Glen Beck, and that self-styled, “Great American,” Sean Hannity.

Oops. I just made myself sick.

Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time newspaper columnist, talk show host, and screenwriter who appears as a standup comedy headliner for top clubs and casinos across the country.

Published by the LA Progressive on June 17, 2010
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About Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time standup comedian, newspaper columnist, talk show host, screenwriter, disk jockey, racehorse exercise rider, poker dealer, and Vegas pit supervisor. His book, "If You Can't Keep A Job, Become A Writer," should have been written by now.