Topic? I Don’t Need No Stinking Topic

ViagraEsquire, consistently one of the best-written magazine published anywhere, has a one-page feature titled, “What I’ve Learned.” Contributors to that page are rich and/or famous and/or both.

Should, however, Esquire editors ever get hammered enough to seek the mind poop of ordinary snarky subscribers…

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If you’re going to have an affair, make sure it’s with a woman smarter than you are. She’ll know right away when it’s over.

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Virility, as a man gets older, becomes an increasingly mixed blessing. Especially without plenty of cash.

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Rubes, suckers, marks, johns, and other clubbies apparently think that tossing bottles around is the same as good bartending. Wrong.

People who need juggling with their alcohol should do their drinking at the circus.

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There are moments when I am not at the apex of my own esteem.

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然的是偶 韻的這

是偶然的 押韻

偶然的押韻的這 是

押韻的這 是偶然的

This rhymes. You might not think so, but it rhymes.*

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Columbus did not discover America. It was already discovered.

Columbus was just the one who blabbed about it.

That’s why Starbucks is his fault.

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There isn’t enough eye-liner in the world to make me dance with Sarah Palin.

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At an age when I forget ordinary little things, one of the things I forget is how lucky I am to have lived long enough to forget ordinary little things.

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How can anyone have a favorite necktie? It’s like having a favorite pair of handcuffs, and why would anybody have favorite pair of handcu…?

Oh, yeah.

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I didn’t believe that my ex-wife inherited such a huge trust fund until I found out she did all her grocery shopping at 7-11.

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The only reason I ever have sex any more is to silence an angry mob.

I’d explain, but would you really understand? Really?

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Good writing takes you away, and not just while you’re reading it. Later, when it has a life inside your head, it becomes even better.

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The most annoying woman I ever knew was the hooker who lived in the next apartment. Men paid her, but it wasn’t for sex. It was for going away afterwards.

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People, no matter how old they are, can always correctly pronounce the medical term for whatever it is that ails them.

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Pilaf was invented on the day that one guy said to another guy,

“Let’s go get some rice and screw it up.”

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The fact that I’ll never stop learning makes it okay that I’ll never stop being wrong. I’m right about this.

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If I were the inventor of Viagra, even though it might have made me rich, I would not have told anyone about it. Instead, I would have just become popular. Really, really popular. Buns of steel. Hah.

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The Santa Monica Police Department’s motto should be,

To Protect And Surf

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“The most intolerable people in the world are provincial celebrities.”

Anton Chekhov, Provincial Celebrity

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I am attracted to women over fifty with a good sense of humor who read for pleasure and are smart, clean, cosmopolitan, financially independent, and, way down deep, a little slutty.

Way down deep, a little slutty is good. Trust me.  I know stuff.

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Origami is when you twist up a piece of paper like this: &

Orgasmi is when you twist up like this: &

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Here in Nevada, legalizing marijuana was once again voted down because the politicians think it might send an unhealthy message to our state’s young gamblers and whores.

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Writing for network television is like having a picnic on railroad tracks…the chicken is yummy, but don’t think for a minute that sonofabitch train isn’t already on it’s way.

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Every hypochondriac is right. Eventually.

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I’d like to have a hot-dog wagon on the Las Vegas Strip that had a nickel slot machine and a couple of over-the-hill hookers hanging around. I’d call it NEWARK, NEWARK

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It’s important for an old guy to respect the man he turned out to be.

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It does too rhyme, dammit.

Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time newspaper columnist, talk show host, and screenwriter who appears as a standup comedy headliner for top clubs and casinos across the country.

About Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time standup comedian, newspaper columnist, talk show host, screenwriter, disk jockey, racehorse exercise rider, poker dealer, and Vegas pit supervisor. His book, "If You Can't Keep A Job, Become A Writer," should have been written by now.

Comments

  1. Nice… and a little slutty… very nice.

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