Topic? I Don’t Need No Stinking Topic

ViagraEsquire, consistently one of the best-written magazine published anywhere, has a one-page feature titled, “What I’ve Learned.” Contributors to that page are rich and/or famous and/or both.

Should, however, Esquire editors ever get hammered enough to seek the mind poop of ordinary snarky subscribers…

= = = = = = = =

If you’re going to have an affair, make sure it’s with a woman smarter than you are. She’ll know right away when it’s over.

= = = = = = = =

Virility, as a man gets older, becomes an increasingly mixed blessing. Especially without plenty of cash.

= = = = = = = =

Rubes, suckers, marks, johns, and other clubbies apparently think that tossing bottles around is the same as good bartending. Wrong.

People who need juggling with their alcohol should do their drinking at the circus.

= = = = = = = =

There are moments when I am not at the apex of my own esteem.

= = = = = = = =

然的是偶 韻的這

是偶然的 押韻

偶然的押韻的這 是

押韻的這 是偶然的

This rhymes. You might not think so, but it rhymes.*

= = = = = = = =

Columbus did not discover America. It was already discovered.

Columbus was just the one who blabbed about it.

That’s why Starbucks is his fault.

= = = = = = = =

There isn’t enough eye-liner in the world to make me dance with Sarah Palin.

= = = = = = = =

At an age when I forget ordinary little things, one of the things I forget is how lucky I am to have lived long enough to forget ordinary little things.

= = = = = = = =

How can anyone have a favorite necktie? It’s like having a favorite pair of handcuffs, and why would anybody have favorite pair of handcu…?

Oh, yeah.

= = = = = = = =

I didn’t believe that my ex-wife inherited such a huge trust fund until I found out she did all her grocery shopping at 7-11.

= = = = = = = =

The only reason I ever have sex any more is to silence an angry mob.

I’d explain, but would you really understand? Really?

= = = = = = = =

Good writing takes you away, and not just while you’re reading it. Later, when it has a life inside your head, it becomes even better.

= = = = = = = =

The most annoying woman I ever knew was the hooker who lived in the next apartment. Men paid her, but it wasn’t for sex. It was for going away afterwards.

= = = = = = = =

People, no matter how old they are, can always correctly pronounce the medical term for whatever it is that ails them.

= = = = = = = =

Pilaf was invented on the day that one guy said to another guy,

“Let’s go get some rice and screw it up.”

= = = = = = = =

The fact that I’ll never stop learning makes it okay that I’ll never stop being wrong. I’m right about this.

= = = = = = = =

If I were the inventor of Viagra, even though it might have made me rich, I would not have told anyone about it. Instead, I would have just become popular. Really, really popular. Buns of steel. Hah.

= = = = = = = =

The Santa Monica Police Department’s motto should be,

To Protect And Surf

= = = = = = = =

“The most intolerable people in the world are provincial celebrities.”

Anton Chekhov, Provincial Celebrity

= = = = = = = =

I am attracted to women over fifty with a good sense of humor who read for pleasure and are smart, clean, cosmopolitan, financially independent, and, way down deep, a little slutty.

Way down deep, a little slutty is good. Trust me.  I know stuff.

= = = = = = = =

Origami is when you twist up a piece of paper like this: &

Orgasmi is when you twist up like this: &

= = = = = = = =

Here in Nevada, legalizing marijuana was once again voted down because the politicians think it might send an unhealthy message to our state’s young gamblers and whores.

= = = = = = = =

Writing for network television is like having a picnic on railroad tracks…the chicken is yummy, but don’t think for a minute that sonofabitch train isn’t already on it’s way.

= = = = = = = =

Every hypochondriac is right. Eventually.

= = = = = = = =

I’d like to have a hot-dog wagon on the Las Vegas Strip that had a nickel slot machine and a couple of over-the-hill hookers hanging around. I’d call it NEWARK, NEWARK

= = = = = = = =

It’s important for an old guy to respect the man he turned out to be.

= = = = = = = =

It does too rhyme, dammit.

Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time newspaper columnist, talk show host, and screenwriter who appears as a standup comedy headliner for top clubs and casinos across the country.

Published by the LA Progressive on August 19, 2010
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
About Michaelangelo Price

Mike Price is a long-time standup comedian, newspaper columnist, talk show host, screenwriter, disk jockey, racehorse exercise rider, poker dealer, and Vegas pit supervisor. His book, "If You Can't Keep A Job, Become A Writer," should have been written by now.