We are the smallest, most beleaguered minority in America today, and here at the Democratic Convention, it feels like we’re even smaller and more beleaguered. All of us were out in force in Tampa last week, but there aren’t enough Billionaires in Charlotte to fill a clown limousine. It’s mostly our entertainment and media moguls who are here. But just like Mitt and all the other Republicans who were running, President Obama has a Super Pac, and I and those of my class can make humongous, unregulated donations to it, if only as an insurance policy, should the billion dollars we’re pumping into the Republican side of the equation this Fall somehow fail.
It’s too bad more of us aren’t here, because Charlotte is a wonderful place to be. Mainly because it’s smack dab in the middle of a Right-To-Work state. Workers in North Carolina can’t be forced to join unions, which means lower wages and wimpier benefits for them, and bigger profits for us. I am basking in schadenfreude as I watch hundreds of union members, the meat of the Democrats’ coalition, circulating through Charlotte with an air of unease while non-union workers clean their rooms and direct them around the convention hall.
That unease is stems from the very real fear that their days are numbered. You can be sure that once we’ve got the Senate, House and White House in Billionaire-friendly hands come January, we’re going to make America a “Right-to-Work” country. Our nation’s teachers, nurses, firefighters and cops will gnash their teeth in anguish as those pensions they’ve been paying into for so many years are legislated out of existence. And the few private employee unions that still exist today will go the way of the dodo.
Some of our critics point out, correctly, that our elected officials – governors like John Kasich of Ohio and Scott Walker of Wisconsin – go after the unions because they are the only entities powerful enough to get Democrats elected in the face of the torrent of cash unleashed by our Chamber of Commerce and Americans for Prosperity. As the only countervailing force against our complete corporate takeover of the U. S., Unions are bound to earn our special ire.
But it’s more than that. We’ve heard so much whining about all the off-shoring and outsourcing we’ve done over the last 30 years – how what used to be lots of good-paying, American jobs with decent benefits are now low-paying, indentured servitude in China. Maybe it’s time for we Billionaires to change that policy. America can become the manufacturing powerhouse it used to be back in the beginning of the last century. As soon as we can enact policies that create the same work environment that existed back in 1900, it will become affordable for us to do business here once again. And unionized workers just aren’t the compliant drones content to work long hours with no overtime pay and no benefits for starvation wages that we prefer to employ.
As soon as the unions have been obliterated, we Billionaires are bringing the jobs back to America! And we’ll offer our new American workers the same pay that their Chinese counterparts get, and the same protections; we’ll erect nets around all of our new Right-to-Work factories so our employees can’t fall to their deaths when they jump off the roof in despair!
I’m so delighted that Democrats are holding their convention here. Welcome to Charlotte! Enjoy all the amenities that a Right-to-Work state can offer, Union members! Enjoy a taste of your future in a new union-free America!
This has been Felonius Ax of the Billionaires, reporting from Tampa.
Clifford “Felonius Ax” Tasner
Posted: Tuesday, 4 September 2012