Guantánamo Bay, September 11, 2026. Defeated Republican presidential candidate Bjorn Looser was sentenced to death today after a secret trial, on charges that were not specified. According to the current interpretation of a law passed 20 years ago, in 2006, the government did not have to specify charges, did not have to show evidence, and did not have to allow Looser to have a lawyer.
The heroic and patriotic President of the United States, Clint McClane, pointed out that, as President, he was simply exercising the powers granted to him by the 2006 law. “The President has the power to decide whom to detain, what rights the detainee is to have, whether the detainee will be convicted, and what the penalty will be,” said the spokesman. “When the opposition persists in criticizing the President and demanding that he step down, even though the people have voted for his reelection four times,” he continued, “they are clearly a threat to our national security and should have no rights.”
The Republican Party is a shadow of its former self. In the first years of this century the party dominated the national scene under the leadership of President George W. Bush. Impelled by the threat of terrorism after the attacks of September 11, 2001, and by persistent opposition to his plans by the courts, Bush successfully pushed for the presidential powers embodied in the 2006 detainee law.
Although many Democrats opposed the law, once they captured the presidency they saw its virtues. As President Bush said many times, the War on Terror would go on indefinitely, until terrorism is defeated. As Rank Toady, the President’s press secretary said, “a strong President is vital to our national security, and this heroic and patriotic President especially needs the power to control the domestic opposition to prevent dissent from undermining national security by destroying national unity.”
In other developments, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Hack Player, declared all 100 seats held by Republicans vacant after they failed to appear for sessions last week. Inquiries by the news media found no one who knew where the missing members were. However, it should be noted that the Republicans had voted against the Homeland Security budget, which, they alleged, was being used for repression of dissent.
“I don’t know where they are,” the Speaker said. “But we’ll be better off without a bunch of subversives obstructing and criticizing our work. People have to understand we’re in a war here! To vote against Homeland Security is to threaten our very security as a nation.”
The well-known Republican mouthpiece, The Washington Times, was closed today by executive order of the President, after it published an editorial accusing the Administration of detaining the missing lawmakers. Explaining the closing, Secretary of Information Rosemary Beebe said, “Our democracy has a free press, but that doesn’t entitle anyone to make wild accusations that insult our heroic and patriotic President and weaken our country by endangering national unity.”
This dispatch has received the approval of the National Office of Information (NOINFO) as safe for all audiences. Long live our democracy under the distinguished leadership of our heroic and patriotic President, Clint McClane.
John Peeler is a retired professor of political science at Bucknell University, specializing in Latin American and international affairs. His op-ed essays have appeared in The Christian Science Monitor and USA Today, as well as many in local papers here in central Pennsylvania where he lives. He has had letters published in both the New York Times and the Washington Post.
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