An Apology to President Barack Obama

obama eurozoneDear DEAR President Obama,

Now that you have signed the National Defense Appropriation Act into law giving yourself the power to arrest and imprison any American indefinitely, I want to tell you how very very very very very sorry I am for all those nasty things I wrote about you. Name-calling is never appropriate and I should have known better, especially when I compared you to Benito (“Three cheers for war!”) Mussolini for making undeclared wars in Africa. In retrospect, I was way off base. Since the NDAA nullifies the Constitution, you might agree with Mussolini’s viewpoint, “Mankind is tired of liberty” but that’s definitely where the comparison stops. Mussolini was a fat slob whereas everyone can see you are the leanest, trimmest, handsomest president we’ve had in the White House since JFK, maybe handsomer.

Likewise, I’m exceedingly sorry I wrote U.S. forces in Afghanistan are killing innocent people every day. I know that is not their intent. As Hermann Goring once said, “I am in the habit of shooting from time to time and if I sometimes make mistakes, at least I have shot.” Since comparing your actions to a top Nazi is odious, let’s just say as the noted American gangster Mickey Cohen once boasted, “I never killed a man that didn’t deserve it.”  Sure, it’s technically an “assassination” to execute people without a trial but your suspects were fingered by the CIA. We need to keep in mind you’re striving to reduce terrorism, not necessarily uphold the law for, to quote J. Edgar Hoover, “Justice is incidental to law and order.”

If the CIA had the smarts to grab you right out of college and give you a job, I’d be surprised they could be so mistaken as to order the execution of innocent people. The late President Nixon may have said of them, “What the hell do those clowns do out there in Langley?” but what did he know? Actually, you can now take comfort from Nixon’s words, “When the president does it, that means it’s not illegal.”

Anyway, while I’m apologizing to you, please tell the CIA I take back all those nasty things I wrote, saying they’re the world’s biggest criminal syndicate ever, and comparing it to the Ku Klux Klan for operating in secret, kidnapping and lynching. We all know the CIA’s critics do tend to exaggerate. Some say the Agency’s overthrown 30 countries by force and violence when it’s probably been just 26 or so.  As ex-CIA Director  William Colby once said, “I have definitional problems with the word ‘violence.’ I don’t know what the word ‘violence’ means.” At times, the Agency may have run amok here and there but at least it showed its smarts by not copying the KKK’s cross burnings, which definitely would have made us look bad in Muslim countries.

So I’m glad you refused to prosecute CIA torturers. Incidentally, when the Agency destroyed its torture flicks, it didn’t prove obstruction of justice so much as not wanting to make Hollywood producers look like action movie amateurs. Imagine a scene in which a  CIA agent says of a waterboard victim, “He sleeps with the fishes” and it’s for real, not fictional like in “The Godfather.” When you leave the White House, you might consider Hollywood. You’d grasp the true meaning of Samuel Goldwyn’s words, “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on” because without a Constitution now everything’s gonna be verbal.

I also apologize for describing you as the moral opposite of Rev. Martin Luther King, because he was anti-war while you have been making wars at the drop of a bomb.  Whose to say MLK would criticize your wars in Libya, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Somalia, Iraq, and Yemen, right? And that’s just a half dozen countries out of 200, so what’s the big deal? You’re only trying to be friendly as you expand the number of U.S. military bases abroad. We’ve only got 900. As JFK’s Secretary of State Dean Rusk, once said, “While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world are plotting to do us in.” Or as Billy the Kid warned:  “I see many enemies around and mighty few friends.”

As for my disparaging you for assuming “king of the world” powers of life-and-death over all human beings on the planet, well, while that’s technically true, I know you are not the sort of guy to actually exercise those powers, even if misguided liberals do mock you as “President O’Bomber.” The NBA is always advertising the good its players do in their communities and you’re a basketball player yourself, right? I mean, indiscriminate killing is not something an NBA player would do, is it? So, logically, you wouldn’t do it, either. Actually, I think that if you had the desire to play basketball professionally you obviously would have been a top star like Dwayne Wade or Kobe Bryant. Am I right, bro’? You don’t mind if I call you bro’, do you?

Sherwood RossIn closing, I think you can take satisfaction knowing that you outperformed the Nixon regime, whose Henry Kissinger once said, “The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little bit longer.” The fact is, after only three years in office you have inspired 300 million Americans to be on their very very best behavior, or else, no mean achievement. Yours Truly, your friend, loyal supporter, Cheerleader-in-Chief, and soon-to-be-campaign contributor, Sherwood Ross   P.S. May you have four more years! (And me, too.)

Sherwood Ross


  1. ej says

    The bill is mostly worded differently to make it look like their is less of a fine line between a citizen and an enemy of the state to euthanize the situation. Political opponents may still be subject to military law. They’re just saying it’s still OK to disagree, however, activism is very much at risk. The laws are still vague enough to apply potentially serious consequences to anybody or any movement that critically interferes with politically elite interests or diplomacy. The occupy movement is growing and it’s gone from the complaining jobless to an ant-fascist movement. They can say you are making people paranoid in a time of “crisis,” and interfering with diplomatic policy. The more the far right denounce liberty, peace, prosperity, and the pursuit of happiness in their policy and pull it off, their more people will use their democratic process to bring the power back to the people which could lead to an uprising of the public. Americans don’t want more vague but very costly wars. They want less government intervention in their personal and social lives. They want a balanced budget where the well being of the public is prioritized. The fascist don’t want that. I know if you say this some some fascist, who claim to be a Republican, they will say that totalitarian tyranny has it’s roots in socialist cries in times of crises. However, the only thing socialist about these past fascist regime’s was the undermining of individualism. The fascist right do not want you to interfere their movement and the ndaa was half done to limit public opinion to just that…an opinion or else. Check out the internet provisions of the ndaa. You may be subject to this bill if you are a critical conflict of interest.

    “Congress affirms that the Department of Defense has the capability, and upon direction by the President may conduct offensive operations in cyberspace to defend our Nation, Allies and interests, subject to (1) the policy principles and legal regimes that the Department follows for kinetic capabilities, including the law of armed conflict; and (2) the War Powers Resolution.”

    Common…you think the government is just looking out for you? Why would they would they go to the end of the earth on this one matter for the welfare of the public yet shaft the public in all other policies?

    There are differences in the style of fascism but more of it has to due with the wealthiest cooperation’s to work with the government rather than be completely taken over them. They also have underestimated the American public culture, rooted in liberty and democracy so they will need unique tactics to overcome that if they can. In previous rising of fascism, tradition and nationalism were strong themes. That’s why they chose to call themselves republicans because of the connotation being some freedom loving fiscal conservative Christian. They don’t care about personal or international liberty. They think they have unlimited money to fund Iraq times 20 as long as the public is willing to starve and the elite 1% can maximize their investment however they want, globally or not. They know nothing of what it means to be a truly follower of Christ’s message or the word of God. They do however like the mythology that undermines intellectualism and science. It takes more than using a religious group for political gain and basing their religious beliefs on pure contempt.

  2. BoxNDox says

    Before spewing forth a bunch of uninformed nonsense like this, perhaps you might want to, I don’t know, actually read the legislation in question as well as it’s predecessor, the AUMF?

    That’s what I did when I heard our local club was considering a resolution saying how terrible the NDAA was. What I found was a situation entirely at odds with the hysterical claims being tossed around.

    The Acceptable Use of Military Force (AUMF), issued in the aftermath of 9/11, currently specifies the detention powers available to the President and military. A truly odious document, it’s full of phases like “all necessary and appropriate force”. It specifies no jurisdictional limits, no limits based on citizenship, and no oversight whatsoever for actions taken under its purview.

    The NDAA revises this fairly substantially. Section 1031(e) basically says that these rules do not trump regular due process on US soil. That right there entirely undermines your lame attempt at satire here. (Sorry, but Jonathan Swift you’re not. You’re not even close.)

    But even more important is section 1031(f), which for the first time establishes some oversight: Anyone found to be “covered” by this law has to be reported to Congress at regular intervals. And
    section 1024 provides access to legal representation and habeas corpus review to long term detainees that previously were denied those resources.

    In fact the most disturbing part of the NDAA revision isn’t the new stuff, but rather section 1031(d), which basically says that the AUMF is still in force.

    Of course I would much prefer that the AUMF be scrapped in its entirety and not replaced with anything. And the NDAA contains a number of other repellent things, like continuing the block on money to close Guantanamo. I’d also prefer judicial rather than congressional review. But on balance, I have to say given a choice between a completely open-ended policy allowing indefinite detention of essentially anyone with no justification required and no oversight, versus a policy with fairly clear rules of applicability and with at least minimal oversight, I’ll take the latter.

  3. says

    He did not sign it yet
    President Obama has not yet signed the NDAA.

    Congress passed it on December 15th, “Bill of Rights Day,” and sent it to the President’s desk. He did not sign it.

    He most likely will sign it because the bill funds the entire military apparatus including the paychecks of troops in Afghanistan, fuel for jets, heating bill for the Pentagon building and salaries of civilian shipbuilders in Maine, which would suddenly stop at the end of this month if he does not sign it.

    The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 is not an assault on our freedom. That’s just a hysterical lie. At issue is an amendment to the NDAA regarding detention of terrorism suspects, not the NDAA itself which some disingenuous journalists and bloggers have been deceptively referring to as “the Indefinite Detention Bill.”

    Here is one source of a fairly unbiased legal opinion of the impact of the amendment in question in NDAA 2012:

    And by the way, author Sherwood Ross’ comparing President Obama to Benito Mussolini, Hermann Goring, Mickey Cohen, J. Edgar Hoover, Richard Nixon, William Colby, The Godfather, Henry Kissinger and calling him the moral opposite of Rev. Martin Luther King in a lame ass childish attempt at satiric irony, reveals the depth of hatred he stews in as a result of an advanced case of ODD (Obama Derangement Disorder), the major symptom of which is an uncontrollable Tourette’s-like compulsion to blame the President for absolutely everything and give him credit for absolutely nothing.

    • Marta says

      Some people are deeply offended by black humor or satire. Voltaire, Mark Twain and Jonathan Swift were viciously attacked.

      Anti-satirists feel that some things are just TOO serious to makes jokes about, or they take things was too literally. Perhaps they feel comedy should be left to the likes of Jim Carrey, and not to comedians like Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks or Chris Rock.

      I doubt that Mr. Ross was *literally* comparing Obama to Mussolini. After all, Nobody has ever claimed that Obama has made the trains run on time. It’s a JOKE! Relax.

      Satire is what allows the rest of us to tolerate (barely) the insanity around them without a trip to the funny farm. (Yeah, I know “funny farm” is childish, trite definitely politically incorrect, and offensive to those who’ve had a loved one institutionalized before the Regan cutbacks)

      I will rephrase: Laughing at subjects so tragic that they generally lead to endless weeping bouts allows the rest of us to lead a quasi-stable life without resorting to copious amounts of anti-depressants.

      Now to get back to safer childish humor:
      Q: “Why did the elephant wear red tennis shoes?
      A: “Because he was a Commie!”

      P.S. You ADMIT he’s gonna sign it, so why quibble that he hasn’t yet signed it?

  4. Marta says

    I sense a tremendous amount of insincerity in your apology to our Great Leader, and wanted to let you know that We (as in the Royal We) are NOT pleased.

    We are watching you. Do not step out of line again. Our sock puppets are everywhere. We are constantly on guard. Disloyalty to Our Country and the wasting of our Precious Bodily Fluids will not be tolerated.

    We are watching you. That is what we do.

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