Dan Embree: Jeff Sessions runs as a write-in candidate against Moore and the Democrat whose name nobody remembers and beats them both
Dan Embree: In the century since the civilizing British Army laid down its White Man’s Burden, Pambia has been invaded by its neighbors many times, but its strategy is always to take a knee (usually two knees actually) and then go on welfare.
Dan Embree: Because we’ve heard that a few wacky members of Congress have said that bump stocks are only useful for killing people in crowds, we would like to add a few insights into their peaceful uses.
Dan Embree: To change a light bulb, you must first A) unscrew the old bulb, B) order a bulb-changing kit from Amazon, C) go to a room where there is more light, D) call the butler.
Dan Embree: Although that Alabama teenager may remind people that the beauty contestants you bragged about walking in on while they were naked were also teenagers, there were dozens of them and so nothing untoward could have happened.
Dan Embree: The purpose of the interview was given as “Investigation into Psychological Disorder of Subject”, though I can’t understand why they would care about her mental state.
Dan Embree: You, hands in their characteristic arrowhead pose pointing down from your crotch, while gazing upward in charming, boyish wonder, silently planning a new ceiling in your Mar-a-Lago bedroom; and Melania, poor Melania, grimly going along, while her face says, “What was I thinking?”
Dan Embree: When I meet an interesting, intelligent and articulate woman, I . . . COMPLIMENT HER ON HER BOOBS (IF SHE HAS THEM, OTHERWISE I’M OUTTA THERE).
Dan Embree: We concluded that all killings with guns, if not committed by Muslims or minorities, were mental health problems. And you can’t predict what crazy people do.
Dan Embree: Richard III, in real life as on the stage, paid a price for his conduct later on. His naked corpse, thrown over a saddle, was paraded into Leicester and dumped into a hasty grave.
Dan Embree: There’s no current Chief of Protocol either. This is the guy who instructs you on how to greet officials and warns you about actions that might be offensive to your hosts – like, say, throwing things at crowds or patting Xi Jinping’s wife of the buttocks.
Dear Mr. President: Chloe goes around her neighborhood saying “Trick or Treat”, but the householders all refuse to give her candy, so she punctures their tires. This is called anarchy.
Dan Embree: To really piss Jared off, take Ivanka along as Special Advisor on Far Eastern Commerce. She can visit her workers during their once-daily 10-minute break.