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Bachmann-Romney Overdrive

Tom Degan: The very fact that poor old Mitt is neck-and-neck with Bachmann in the opinion polls tells me that there is some semblance of sanity left in that disgusting party.

Wait! It gets better!

michele bachmann

There is a certain type of astonishment - that indescribable, jaw-dropping and gleeful disbelief - which used to be a fleetingly rare occurrence in my life. Happily, this phenomena is now as frequent as bat shit in the night. Such a sensation hit me the other day when it was revealed that Michele Bachmann is in a virtual tie with Mitt Romney in the always entertaining, sweetly amusing GOP presidential campaign.

Yesterday was yet another milestone day in the history of unintentional political comedy - a genre of humor that Lady Michele has been such a generous contributor. After officially announcing her candidacy from Waterloo, Iowa, the town in which she was born ("WE CAN'T AFFORD FOUR MORE YEARS OF BARACK OBAMA!") she gave an informal, off-the-cuff interview with some genius from Fox Noise. As quoted in this morning's New York Daily News:

"What I want voters to know is, just like John Wayne was from Waterloo. Iowa, that's the kind of spirit I have, too."

Brilliant. Last evening on her MSNBC program, Rachel Maddow was perfectly content to point out the fact that, although the Duke's parents briefly lived in Waterloo years before he was born, he was actually a native of Winterset, which (according to the nice folks over at Map Quest) is about 150 miles away (167 miles if you take Route I-36 South), She apparently got John Wayne confused with serial killer John Wayne Gacey, a one-time resident of Waterloo. The gal is the gift that keeps giving. Fate has indeed been kind. I'm giddy. Forgive me.

John Wayne Gacy

John Wayne Gacy

The very fact that poor old Mitt is neck-and-neck with Bachmann in the opinion polls tells me that there is some semblance of sanity left in that disgusting party. Romney, although decidedly conservative in the classic definition of that word, is fairly moderate when compared to every nominee that the GOP has puked onto the national stage for the last three decades. True, Mitt has been saying a whole lot of really stupid things lately, but that is the only way to get the Republican nomination these days. It's quite funny watching him run away from a background which is, after all is said and done, conservative in almost every respect. I can't offer for you a more perfect example of the extremism with which "the party of Abraham Lincoln" has fallen victim to than the fact that someone with the comparable gravitas of Romney is in serious competition with a fool like Bachmann.

Strange days indeed.

Will the nomination ultimately be hers? One can only hope. As screamingly twisted and hilarious as her campaign may be during the primary season, during the general election it would be a guaranteed pisser. I can just picture her debating Barack Obama. Oh, please, fate!

If we are to believe Michele Bachmann, she was called upon by God to seek public office. Apparently it is the Almighty's wish that America's tax burden should fall squarely upon the shoulders of the poor and middle class and that the top two percent (whom, by the way, have more money than God) should have their taxes lowered even further.

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Some have interpreted this to mean, as they have always claimed, that God is a registered Republican. I have a slightly different take on the matter (You're not surprised, are you). I interpret this to mean that God must not have too high an opinion of rich people and that He wants to send the whole lot of them straight into eternal damnation. I seem to recall something from the Bible about it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man (or woman I assume) to get into Heaven.

I tried an experiment once to prove or disprove this biblical admonition. I had an eye of a needle at the ready but no camel. Not to worry. I used my cousin Megan's dog Chuck. Although Chuck is a big dog, he is considerably smaller than your average camel. The result of my experiment is not good news if you happen to find yourself in that top two percent. If I were you, folks, I'd start praying for a tax increase. Just a friendly suggestion.

Of course there is no way in hell (no pun intended) that Michele Bachmann is going to receive the nomination in 2012 - or any other year for that matter. Much as I might drool over the prospect of something as weird as that, reality forces me to concede that the Republicans just can't be as reckless and foolish as that. Surely there is a "compromise candidate" lurking in the shadows. Fortunately for the Obama camp, that candidate probably won't be Mitt Romney.

mitt romney

GOOD NEWS: They're smart enough (I think) not to go with Bachmann

BAD NEWS: They're just too dumb to understand that Romney (and possibly Jon Huntsman) is the only candidate among them who could pose a serious threat to Obama next year.

As was predicted by many (myself included) from the day two years ago when the GOP stupidly embraced the "Tea Party", that organization of nitwits has turned out to be an albatross around their necks. The only compromise candidate that will appeal to these freaks will be someone - not quite as extreme maybe as Michele Bachmann - but still too extreme for for moderate voters. And if the strategists at the RNC decide to go with Romney out of sheer desperation, the Tea Partiers will stay home on Election Day - just as the liberals stupidly did in 2010.

In the meantime the Republicans in Congress are doing everything humanly possible to ensure that the economy crashes. That is the reason - and the only reason - they are trying to prevent the raising of the debt ceiling in August. If America goes into default the proverbial poop will hit the economic fan. When that happens, all bets are off for the president. Their goal is to bring on an economic catastrophe in order to take back the executive and legislative branches of your government on January 20, 2013. That is what Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner are banking on. Our livelihood and well being doesn't matter in the least to these bastards. Wake up.

Barack Obama has been a major disappointment, but I have no other choice than to believe (Pray?) that he's saving his best tunes for Act II of this surrealistic comic opera. This much is beyond certain: If the American people ever again stupidly hand over the executive and both houses of congress to the Republicans, this country is finished - assuming we're not there already.

So let's all drink a toast to the campaign of Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. Let's hope it goes on right to the convention next summer - and beyond. Wishful thinking I know, but what the heck; I can dream, can't I?

Tom Degan

The Rant