Felonius Ax of the Billionaires here, reporting from Tampa:
The torrential rain is starting to let up a little, thanks to Hurricane Isaac heading to where hurricanes belong – the Louisiana coast -- so I ventured out of our cozy suites at the Westin Tampa Harbor Island Hotel where all of us big bundlers have been hunkered down, to the Nuclear Energy Industry shindig with Trace Adkins headlining.
Thanks to some of our benjamins crossing the right palms, none of our electeds seem to remember that the Fukushima disaster was just last year. Nuclear reactor subsidies are one government program that even our most vociferous Tea-Party guys can get behind. And that means that we’ll be building more of them, and soon, and very likely, in your neighborhood. But don’t worry. Nuclear energy is completely safe. It’s like getting an X-ray. And what could possibly go wrong?
Tonight at the convention, we’ll be hearing from some of our Republican governors – John Kasich, Scott Walker, Rick Scott– these are the guys who are going to win the election for us. The Democrats took their eyes off the ball and forgot that 2012 would be decided in 2010. It’s all about the new raft of voting laws.
You’ve heard our Mitt talking about illegals self-deporting – what he means is that if we make America as inhospitable a place for those who aren’t legally here, then they’ll just up and go. Of course, we won’t make it quite that inhospitable though – just enough to keep them docile that they won’t complain about repetitive motion injuries while they scramble to keep up with the accelerated assembly lines at our chicken processing plants!
We’ve been extending this concept. Our insurance companies have been developing our new Self-Succumbing policy. We make the process of getting that costly procedure that could spell the difference between life and death approved so unpleasant that you just roll over and make out your will.
And as far as voting is concerned, this is the year we’re championing Self-Disenfranchisement!
We have to do this. We need protection from the tyranny of the majority. We Billionaires are so few – less than a tenth of one percent of the population. Our civil rights could so easily get trampled at the ballot box by the other 99-some-odd percent of voters if we weren’t able to cherry pick which of those would have our best interests at heart.
So what if a few citizens with funny-sounding names are getting purged from the voter rolls? I’ll bet a lot of the countries these people came from didn’t even have voting. And while it seems a shame that little old ladies whose drivers licenses expired years ago are going to have to dig into their social security checks and find a ride down to city hall to wait in line to apply for state-approved photo ID, wouldn’t they be better off staying at the home and playing canasta on election day?
And if a gun permit will allow you to vote, but a student ID won’t, it’s only because students are too young and idealistic to believe in preserving the status quo exactly as it is – with us Billionaires on top. Gun owners, however, respect our place in the scheme of things - probably because we’re the nation’s weapons manufacturers!
And if weekend voting before election day, when African American churches typically bring their entire congregations out to vote, has been cancelled, take solace that those good people will be able to enjoy the Lord’s Sabbath without it being sullied by the ugliness of politics!
Self-disenfranchisement! All that voting! It’s just too hard. Why bother?
Oh, excuse me, I have to write another million dollar check to Restore Our Future, the Romney Super Pac. We’re about to run a round of ads insisting that it’s President Obama who’s out to destroy Medicare and Social Security!
Clifford "Felonius Ax" Tasner
Posted:Tuesday, 28 August 2012