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The Conservative Republican Lexicon

Bob Vetter-Barber: As a public service to Republican political candidates planning to run for office for the first time in 2012, this guide to Conservative principles is offered free. You want to be able to “Talk Republican” effectively. Read it for 50 ways to find your party.
conservative lexicon

The New “Conservative Republican” Lexicon Special Edition For 2012 Republican Candidates -- Created by Robert E. Vetter-Barber, Jr. Unabridged and Under Construction

Note: entries not in alphabetical order so you don’t have to remember how all those letters go

Environment: large, geographical area provided by God for the flowering of Corporate/Industrial Manifest Destiny

Truth: (archaic) oratorical device practiced by ancient speakers; does not utilizeperceived realities or situational opportunities; ineffective

Constituent: found in five varieties, three figures to seven figures; ranked as post card, phone call, lunch, spa spree, and Daddy

Marital Fidelity: spousal sexual commitment; optional after elected

CEO: advises you; walks on water, excretes gold, kills by staring

Public Policy: lots of boring words lobbyists give you; no pictures

Bill: what you don’t worry about anymore after you get elected

Caucus: like Sunday School; you have to sit still and just listen

Lobbyist: Comes more often than CEO; talks like Darth Vader; scary

State Government: a place to nullify stupid federal laws and get rid of that goofy old Constitutional stuff

Rural Vote: honey

Urban Vote: hemlock

Primary Election: like getting into a frat; if you don’t do the right thing, you don’t even get to wear the funny hat on election day

Legislative Office Secretary: opportunity

Gay Behavior: what other boys do together even when they’re not on a fishing trip; preferred to Lesbian behavior

Racism: bad attitudes ethnic groups have toward white men

Public Schools: Democratic scheme to suck money out of the pockets of rich people and prevent poor kids from working to keep their parents off welfare

Private School: where your kids should go

Union: international terrorist organization; made up of people who expect to tell the employer who hired them what they should be paid; spreads terrorism by giving money to Democratic candidates

Constitution: home of the Second Amendment (Bang!) and lots of other words old men wrote two-hundred years ago and that Democrats can’t get over and keep talking about

Tea Party: toy soldiers of the Koch Brothers; their little guns sting

Immigrants: foreigners who won’t go back to where they came from; make employers look bad by working for low wages; vote wrong

Democrats: left over from back in the day when Communists, Socialists, Nazis, and other pinkos infiltrated into our country to eat our children, steal our women, and turn the rest of us into Zombies

Abraham Lincoln: a guy who must have been drunk when he let all those blacks out; nothing’s been the same ever since

Foreign Policy: deporting immigrants back to where they came from and taking oil from countries with deserts that don’t need it

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Health Care: arcane branch of medicine only understood by insurance company cost/benefit analysts who authorize it for those deserving Americans least likely to need and use it

British Tories: Founding Fathers of the “Conservative Republican” movement; iconic sycophants who narrowly missed making the world safe for kings in 1776

Ayn Rand: Founding Mistress of the Movement; highly intelligent thinker unhampered by traditional moral development; makes it all well with fantasy novels when reality threatens corporate greed

Base: voters who believe whatever you say, no matter how silly it makes them look

Family Values: the “Ossie and Harriet” strategy; talk about splash pools, family singing, and campfires a lot; gets votes of some people who think you’re better than they are

Lying: essential self-protection device; prevents people from knowing who you really are; do it a lot; next best thing to money

White Men With Money: “The Chosen,” with whom God intended to populate the private clubs of earth; the more of them you know, the better off you are; have a large gun case on your office wall and be well-stocked with booze, beef, broads and bad ethnic jokes

War: preemptive strikes on defenseless countries; support for it makes you seem strong to weak thinkers; arms dealers will love you for it and pay you well; (caveat: don’t go to funerals of dead soldiers)

President(1): If he’s not yours, he’s a fanged, blood-dripping, alien savage transported here by time machine to destroy the planet earth with Social Security, Medicare, Unions, Taxes, Peace, Love, and basketball

President(2): If he’s yours, he’s lovably loony and does what he’s told; will have to get books for his Presidential Library at yard sales

The Corporation: The most important person you will ever know…including your family; high-strung and demanding; sociopathic; you can’t marry a corporation, but it can still fuck you

Pro-Life Policy: enlightened commitment to engender life in fallopian tubes and uteri at any cost; does not include feeding starving children or providing life-saving health care for humans found outside the uterus

Laws: good laws are important rules for disciplining Democrats and other perverts; bad laws abuse corporations, make a free people pay for other people’s things, and let too many people vote

Traditional Republican: a Republican from your grandparent’s time; if any are still alive in your family be tolerant of their quaint criticisms; remind them that they opposed Social Security and Medicare, too, before they were on them

Patriot: politician who volunteers for the important job of convincing other Americans to fight our wars; isn’t distracted by choosing military service for himself; remember, without the dedicated work of our Republican Chicken Hawks, military morale would be very low; see Selective Service record and biography of Dick Cheney for details

Draft Dodger: cowardly hippie who fled to Canada because he didn’t understand, believe in, or support the American War in Viet Nam

Compulsory Military Service (Draft): a bad idea; would make Republican kids fight in wars their parents start; immigrants and the unemployed can do that in a “volunteer” army

Compromise: something Democrats do because they want to be loved; “to compromise” is to be weak; example: the real mother was weak…she should have let Solomon cut the baby in half instead of compromising

Magic: (in politics); the invisible hand that creates roads, bridges, airports, police forces, armies, all government services and the entire infrastructure of a country without using taxes; BEWARE: atheistic Democrats will try to talk you out of your god-given belief in magic

Teachers: incompetent child-care workers who think teaching calculus to 150 kids a day is hard enough to expect to be paid more than minimum wage for it; don’t pay attention to their whining; anybody who ever went to school can be a teacher

Same-Sex Marriage: a Democrat strategy to spread moral decay throughout Heterosexual America by destroying traditional marriage; will cause infidelity and divorce in your own marriage and make your kids move to San Francisco to be homosexuals

Supreme Court: (the George W. Bush Re-Appointment Court); five nifty “Conservative Republican” guys and four activist bozos; a strong ally in our effort to “Take Back America,” back, say, to 1850

Government Regulation: bedroom rules thoughtfully designed by Republican men to define for other people the proper use of penises, vaginas, other human orifices, and uteri; BEWARE: Democrats will try to misuse regulation to threaten and attack Corporations, Developers, money manipulators, Wall Street and other innocent good citizens.

Revenue: a trick word Democrats use when they mean taxes; a “Revenue Problem” occurs when Democrats create a surplus by taxation so that we have to pay our bills; to get painless money, borrow from China to pay for legitimate government expenses, e.g. gratuitous war and oil company subsidies; your kids can deal with the bill collectors

Middle Class: Americans whose incomes are between 250K and a million; these are people you love; treat them well; everyone below that income level is an illegal immigrant or a welfare cheat out to get you

bob barber

Oil: What you will drink from the communion cup when you die and sit in heaven at the right hand of God; sweet

Bob Barber