Forget “Pleading the 5th”!
1. Dear Judge: I didn’t mean to go 100 miles per hour over the speed limit thru the work zone! I’m just a 50-year old kid who grew up suffering from Affluenza! I was just trying out my shiny new Lotus and I really didn’t mean to hit those 6 “innocent” pedestrians and send them flying! I was just being extremely careless!
2. Dear Teacher: I didn’t mean to let my dog eat my homework! (And I’m sure Rover didn’t mean to barf all over the living room carpet!) I can forgive Rover, the FBI can forgive Hillary, so I’m sure you can forgive me! I was just being extremely careless!
Dear Wife: I didn’t mean to have sex with those three bar-girls who robbed me! I didn’t mean to get infected with herpes (and God knows what else!) because I forgot to wear a condom!
3. Dear Rover: I didn’t mean to smear my homework with dog-food (and sprinkle on that biscuit-stuff you love!). I didn’t mean to make you barf and make you ill and take you to the Vet for shots! I was just expressing my frustration with the assignment: “Describe the 4th Amendment and Why It Needs To Be Cherished.” I mean, What kind of question is that? What’s that got to do with getting a job? I didn’t mean to make you sick, Rove! I guess, I was just being extremely careless!
4. Dear Wife: I didn’t mean to have sex with those three bar-girls who robbed me! I didn’t mean to get infected with herpes (and God knows what else!) because I forgot to wear a condom! I didn’t mean to infect you, too, destroy your trust in me and ruin our marriage! I know you will forgive me when you realize: I was just being extremely careless!
5. Dear God: I didn’t mean to break all of your commandments! You know, like “not killing” (I joined the army, so I had no choice!), not committing adultery (see above), not bearing false witness, not coveting… and all that jazz! If you don’t mind my saying so, God, it seems to me this whole whacky society is about bearing false witness—from our lying scum-media to our political shills to our corporate and banker bail-me-out-and-screw-the-other-guy a-holes--and, well, you get the picture. (Don’t get me started on “Education” and “Indoctrination,” God! And the “preachers”! In every religion, we’ve got these preacher-guys, and….) Well, honest Injun, I didn’t mean to trespass and piss all over your commandments, God. I guess, I was just being extremely careless!
6. Dear Satan: Concerning the matter of this Contract between us…. My attorney has gone through this with a fine-toothed comb, and she—her name is Hillary, btw—assures me this is a non-binding contract and as long as I explain that I was just being extremely careless when I signed it with the blood of 10 million dead Iraqis, Afghanis, Libyans, Native Americans, African-Americans, Vietnamese, Palestinians, and children murdered in the streets of America, well, you know….It’s true now--and I’m not denying it—that I did derive many benefits—in terms of fame and celebrity. Idiots bought my records, my books, my abstract paintings, watched me on “Reality TV,” worshipped my big ass (for that brief period when you incarnated me as Kim Khardashian), etc.! Nevertheless, I repeat: I was just being extremely careless when I signed. I signed under duress, you know. The chem-trails affected me! I’m sure you will reconsider now. I’m sure you will be reasonable now. Hello? Are you there?