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How I Learned to Love Sarah Failin’ and John McSame

Yesterday, I heard way too many women rave about Sarah Failin’ as the new Face of Feminism. Upset, I slept poorly, but awoke today refreshed. I had an epiphany. I think this woman is on to something. And, no, I don’t mean “meth,” just because some folks have said Wasilla is the “methamphetamine capital” of Alaska.


Personally, I think the state troopers who make this claim are nothing but a bunch of loose-as-a-moose community organizers, but I am not a governor like Sarah or Arnold so I can’t claim any special expertise on this.

What changed my mind about Sister Sarah is her common-sense plan to save taxpayers money by the use of a whole tool-kit of reforms from banning abortion, even in the case of rape or incest, to charging victims of rape for their very own rape-kits.

Let’s say as a hypothetical—as in Failin’s asking a librarian about a “hypothetical” inquiry about banning certain books from the Wasilla library—that you are in Alaska working hard on drafting a policy memo. Something like, say, fighting against earmarks. After raking in one of the highest per capita earmarks ever, for your town, Wasilla. When you were for it before you were against it.

Or, say, by suing the government for declaring the polar bear as an endangered species. Then you decide to relax by doing what any rugged, real Alaskan would do: you go hunting. You get into your rented plane so you can shoot a moose, a wolf, or perhaps a stray Inuit, from the air. After the plane lands, you go to collect your kill. And then the unspeakable happens. Your male pilot rapes you at gunpoint.

Now most women would likely think, selfishly, only of themselves at this point in time. But Failin’ is no ordinary woman, not even by Alaska standards. First of all, if she had her way, no way--if you got pregnant--could you abort the fetus. (Have you checked the cost of even a back-alley, coat-hanger abortion nowadays? Be thankful that Sarah seems to have done her homework on this for you.)

But mostly, Sarah would be thinking first and foremost of the taxpayers who, in their infinite wisdom, feel that a hockey rink takes priority over things like, say, schools, libraries, providing free rape kits for victims of rape, whatever.

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Yep, she appointed a tough on crime, low on taxes police chief, named Charlie aka “The Man for Change,” who noted that such rape kits could cost Wasilla some $5,000-$14,000 a year!! And, as “good time Charlie” (as he is known affectionately to the locals) noted that he wants to charge rapists not only for the forensic exam but lots more as part of court restitution proceedings.

Great idea, Charlie. But before they can get the "perp," the victim must first pay for the rape kit. So, as Charlie might say: “You can press charges. Will that be cash or credit?” Charlie might also add that supporting the Violence Against Women Act is also something a V.P. can get behind. Umm, wait—is that the other V.P.?

There are, of course, a few questions some left-wing media types (sorry, that’s a redundancy) may fuss about. Like why is it that indigenous people (what are they called again? Eskimos? Inuits?) are 15% of the population, but over one-third of rape victims are those-folks? What's up with that?

Hey- here’s what the Liberal Media need to hear. Grow up! Everyone knows, as Governor Arnold said in another context, that these folks need to start paying their own fair share. Or as Ronald Reagan told Khrushchev, we Americans have been too generous with them anyway, what with all that oil on their reservations and such.

You know what? With the New Republican Reform, we will go back to the Ronnie “Raygun” rules and stop coddling them, along with those crybaby Americans who keep whining when they lose their homes, or their land, or whatever.

In closing, I say Failin’ and McSame are the Real Reformers who will undo what former president whats-iz-name did, even though McSame voted for his proposals 90% or more of the time. And sparing the taxpayers for costs of after-rape abortions and the costly, superfluous rape kits is a good place for Republican Reforms to start. The Women of America and their Hockey Mom are right behind them. Way to the Right, in fact.

Gene Rothman

Gene Rothman, DSW, LCSW, is a retired social worker who worked with homeless and incarcerated veterans in the latter part of his career. He is active with Progressive Democrats of Los Angeles (PDLA) and Families to Amend Three Strikes (FACTS), and writes an occasional monthly editorial for the Social Action/Social Justice Council published in the "NASW California News."