Bigly loser, longtime grifter, "bloated tick" and inept, narcissistic, twice-impeached catastrophe of a former president Donald Trump, who after losing yet again threw a hissy fit, led a terrorist attack against the U.S. Capitol to overthrow our government and now faces a mountain of legal charges and investigations has announced from the scene of his criminally stolen classified documents that he's again running for president in an apparent, desperate, surreal attempt to avoid prison.
In an incoherent, half-hearted, lie-and-grievance-filled speech at Mar-A-Lago, where he evidently recycled the gaudy gold chairs from his daughter Tiffany's weekend wedding, Trump slouched as he declared his candidacy "in order to make America great and glorious again." In response, Liz Cheney celebrated a candidacy that made him "the first former president to run for staying out of jail."
Reading dully from a teleprompter, Trump told the small fervent crowd, "Your country is being destroyed before your eyes," "I've gone decades without a war," and "The carters of power are ours, and we are coming to take those carters back." Right before he spoke, a plane flew overhead with a massive banner reading, "You lost again, Donald" followed by a DeSantis hashtag.
Many Republicans had reportedly urged Trump to delay the long-teased announcement after their expected mid-terms "Red Wave" turned into a modest, toxic puddle. But an unnamed adviser said that after Trump already said he'd announce something, "I think he's afraid of looking stupid."
Dude: That ship sailed long, long ago.
Across a weary country, news of the candidacy sparked the swift, brutal trending of #NeverTrump on Twitter, where he's still banned, and considerable...ambivalence, tinged with homicidal fury. As in: "Fuck the idiot," "Never again," "This tick, this obese parasite, this cancerous, festering sore must be destroyed," "(Republicans) created this monster (and) deserve everything he does to them," "Impeachment Season 3," "Neeep, Nope, Nahh-uhh," "He will always be the stupid people's president," "Once you let motherfuckers slide, they start to think they can ice skate."
Meidas Touch made a dark, new ad: "It begins again." Others had questions: "Why isn't he in jail yet?" "Will this nightmare ever end?" "Where is Merrick Garland?" "It deserves to die, does it not?" "Indictment for something, anything?" And, most vitally, "Can he please just fucking go away?" Now.