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heroin addiction straight talk

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

I was up at the courthouse yesterday (waiting to testify in a disorderly conduct case from the Retrofit, when a couple of very fine people from a passing motorcycle gang called the Sons of Confederate Nazis objected to sharing the bar with the Contreras brothers – just a misunderstanding, as I explained to Judge Curiel, no relation, who wasn’t impressed), anyway I was sitting on a bench in the hall next to a couple of heroin addicts (also very fine people) I know vaguely from the times that they’ve burglarized my barn, and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation:

“Doin time on that break-in?”

I saw my shot and told him I got hooked in Eye-Rack, killing members of the Tally Band or whoever for my country, whose cause I have never doubted – heard that one on TV – and he said ‘Thank you for your service’ like he really cared.

“Guess so. I told the judge I can’t remember nothin cause I was stoned, but he said ‘Too bad’ like he cared, and then I said I was trying to get clean, and he said ‘How’s that going?’ real sarcastic like, and I said I my treatment under Medicaid was ended, and he said, ‘Too bad’ just like before, and then he said, ‘Cut backs. Smaller government. Defense spending. Suck it up.’ So I saw my shot and told him I got hooked in Eye-Rack, killing members of the Tally Band or whoever for my country, whose cause I have never doubted – heard that one on TV – and he said ‘Thank you for your service’ like he really cared. So I said what about treatment, and he said, ‘Ain’t none. Cut backs. Smaller government. Charter flights. Fifteen months.’”

[Pause]

“Seen a guy on TV yesterday said if you don’t start, you won’t be usin.”

“Sounds like a genius.”

“Yeah, fat guy in a suit. Bad hair.”

“Besides, I already started. How’s that help me?”

“He said it will help your kids.”

“I ain’t got no kids.”

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“Me neither.”

[Pause]

“AA type? Former user? Got treatment?

“Don’t think so. Said he didn’t even drink coffee.”

[Long pause]

“Afraid of getting hooked on coffee?”

“Guess so. Said people should be like him. Fat, suit, bad hair, orange face.”

“Ever hear of somebody doin a break-in for coffee money?”

[Long thoughtful pause]

“No.”

dan-embree-17

“Me neither. Sounds like a loser. Rather do fifteen months than be a fat guy in a suit.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:42 AM EST, 1 November 2017