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Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Dear Mr. President:

laughing at sessions

While you were off in China on your “306 Electoral Votes – Greatest Ever Victory Tour” I kept tabs on your cabinet because I suspected that they would get up to surprising things. And sure enough, they did. Here’s a summary:

Secretary of Billionaire Relations Steve “Free Ride” Mnuchin posed with his bride Louise “Gilded Hands” Linton holding up a sheet of freshly laundered money. Startled that, once again, an image of A) himself, B) his acquisitive acquisition, and C) money would strike the voters of Wauneta, Nebraska (pop. 577) as tasteless, Mnuchin stated generously:

“I didn’t realize that the pictures were public and going on the internet and viral, but people have the right to do that.”

AG Jeff “The Amnesiac” Sessions allowed the DOJ to drop the charges against a woman who laughed at him during his confirmation hearing, when the judge ruled that laughing at a clown is protected by the First Amendment.

You remember that before you left, Secretary of Poor Relations Ben “Gifted Hands” Carson didn’t get the memo about the official candidate in the Alabama Senate race and so endorsed accused child molester Roy Moore. After he heard that you liked the other guy, he issued a statement compounding the problem by saying that “any man that assaults any woman is unfit for public office.” The surprising thing is that he then shut up. He has not been heard of for two weeks, but is believed to be in Alaska looking for pyramids.

AG Jeff “The Amnesiac” Sessions allowed the DOJ to drop the charges against a woman who laughed at him during his confirmation hearing, when the judge ruled that laughing at a clown is protected by the First Amendment.

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Finally, Secretary of Energy Rick “Oops” Perry, who used to host hunting parties at his “Niggerhead” camp in Texas, was in Africa trying to convince the natives that they needed more fossil fuels to light their darkness. When one overeducated audience member protested that fossil fuels promote climate change and thus kill people in poor countries, Perry countered with an irrefutable (or at least unanswerable) point about the role of fossil fuels in preventing sexual assault – though as far as we know, the assaults committed by Cosby, Weinstein, Ailes, O’Reilly, and . . . others . . . were committed with the lights on, but that’s probably because we live in a civilized country. Anyway, Perry said conclusively:

“When the lights are on, when you have light that shines – the righteousness, if you will – on those types of acts.”

dan-embree-17

Right.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 2:43 AM EST, 21 November 2017

Please circulate. And write him a letter or forward this one to: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact