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Flash: the Republican Party is breaking into a multiplicity of new parties.


TED CRUZ will head the Spend-Nothings. BONER BOEHNER will head the Do-Nothings. MICHELE BACHMAN and SARAH PALIN will fight it out to head the Know-Nothings. And all will claim as their constituency the Leave-Nothings For Future Generations.

They're now focused on mascots. Somebody already bolted with the front half of the elephant costume, and is rumored to be hiding out in an environmental organization's basement hiding from open-carry gun advocates and looking for Teddy Roosevelt.

One group was dissuaded from having a mascot wearing an enormous tea bag, for fear the public would boil him.

An expert taxidermist has assured all that no bird with two right wings can be stuffed and mounted for any of them, because no bird could fly with two right wings, and therefore it does not exist in nature. (None thought to call an ornithologist because none had studied science.)

One group quickly chose its second choice, the ostrich -- to be depicted with its head in the sand.

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One group wanted a Limbaugh Bird as its mascot, but its drug needs were too expensive, it wouldn't shut-up at night for anyone to sleep, and both it and its bulbous stacks-of-blubber logo were too wide to get in the door.

One group wanted Jesus on the cross as their mascot, but He kept rolling His eyes back in His head and saying, "Forgive them for they know-not what they do," and Know-Not was too close to the party name of Know-Nothing.


All the other fractured new Republiparties are now said to be fighting to see who gets to use the three monkeys as their mascot: see no/hear no/speak no evil.

Film at eleven.

Larry Wines 

Tuesday, 22 October 2013