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shithole countries

Friday, 12 January 2017

Dear Mr President,

Your latest remarks about immigration illuminate your public views earlier in the week about crafting a “bill of love” to determine the fate of the so-called “dreamers” – a goal that you said you shared with Democrats. Frankly, the Retrofit regulars found this a little mushy, a little politically correct, but we were hopeful that, in your usual no-nonsense, tough-guy, deal-making way, you meant something entirely different.

So we were gratified yesterday to hear your closed-door statement about blocking immigration from shithole countries.

“That’s our guy!” cheered Big Luster Gufstafson, who noted that you were encouraging immigration from non-shithole countries like Norway. But he pointed out that in Sweden, where his parents came from, Norway is called a shithole – as Scotland is by the English, and the Hebrides, where your mother came from, is by the lowland Scots,. “But I guess it’s all relative,” Big Lester added, in what for him was a rare expression of broad-mindedness.

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“That’s our guy!” cheered Big Luster Gufstafson, who noted that you were encouraging immigration from non-shithole countries like Norway.

It was clear from the context of your remarks that you classified Haiti, El Salvador, and all of Africa as official shitholes. But the consensus among the regulars is that you should go on to declare exactly which are the other shithole countries. Perhaps you could tweet the State Department and have them put out the US Register of International Shitholery. It would make us proud.

Since Mexico “isn’t sending us their best” and has provoked us by refusing to confine their people behind a wall, it should definitely be designated a shithole. I went to Tijuana once, and I can vouch for it. And if El Salvador is one, then Guatemala must be another because it’s in between. But why not just put the rest of those countries to the south on the list? They all look the same. And don’t overlook the Dominican Republic, because it’s on the same island as Haiti – completely surrounded by water, who knew?

We’re not too sure about Belize. Somebody said they speak English. But so do the Jamaicans (sort of), and they don’t look like Norwegians.

Whatever you say, of course, we’re with you. We raised our glasses in a toast to our country: “We’re the base!”

But Melba, holding up a candle, spoke up. “Bring me your tired Finns, your hungry Swedes, your huddled Norwegians yearning to breathe free, the Christian masses of your European shores, send these, the English-speaking by first-class tickets to me and I will . . .” And then she began to cry. She’s very emotional.


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 4:01 AM EST, 12 January 2018