Sunday, 19 November 2017
Dear Mr. President:
This came by email today. It’s labeled “My Trip to the Orient: The Greatest Ever.”
Japan – Got a nifty bomber jacket from the Air Force when I landed, bigger than Pence’s. Fed fish with Emperor Shinto (I call him “Little Abe” – like “Honest Abe” only shorter, get it?) He tried to get me to feed them in delicate little pinches. I said, “My hands are too big for that” and dumped the whole box it at once. Scared the shitzeray out of the fish, I can tell you. (I don’t know what that word means, but I like it.) We won the war, after all. They won’t mess with us any more.
South Korea – I didn’t want to go to the DMZ because Pence did it, and it would seem like he was first. So I pretended that I judged there to be too much fog and went back. I don’t like anyone who works for me to be first. Tillerson says that Pence technically doesn’t work for me like the Senate does, but he’s a moron, never held a rally, and doesn’t know Jack. I said, “Oh yeah? Watch him jump when I call him. So I did, and he did.” Unlike Sessions.
My old friend Xi was still talking about that chocolate cake at Mar-a-lago, the same night I bombed Iran or one of those places.
China – My old friend Xi was still talking about that chocolate cake at Mar-a-lago, the same night I bombed Iran or one of those places. Showed them a thing or too. He also has big hands and has a wall – old style, just bricks and stuff. Mine is bigger with electronic enhancements, also the wall I’m going to build. I explained that I didn’t really blame him for screwing us on trade all the time, just locker-room talk I use at rallies, the rubes eat it up. He was very, very relieved.
Vietnam – basically a dump. LBJ’s generals couldn’t beat these guys. Little guys, small hands. Nixon’s too. Also his generals. I met Ho Chi Minh. Old guy, bad teeth. Also breath. They seem to have a lot of our old jeeps – why is that? Bad trade deals by Clinton and Obama. Sad!
Russia – didn’t go there, though it’s around there somewhere. Putin kept trying to see me, begging for a face-to-face. I gave him a couple minutes on an elevator, and he assured me that he had not messed with our elections because if he had, we would never know it. As proof, he asked whether we knew he had messed with the W’s vote-count in Florida. When I said I didn’t think so, he said, “See?”
Received by the White House at 1:46 AM EST, 18 November 2017