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Trump Hanukkah

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’ve obtained a copy of your prepared Hanukkah party speech with the bracketed cuts that Jared made in it. I have to say that he has edited out the realDonaldTrumpness of your remarks and made you sound too civilized and too . . . well . . . Jewish. Won’t play well with base.

“[I am] Melania and I are thrilled to welcome you to the White House [where except for a couple of rich bankers like Munchkin, I like to call him, you have never been]. We wish you a very happy [Hezbollah] Hanukkah, and I think this one will go down as [very , very] especially special.

“I know for a fact there are a lot of happy people in this room because [you ’re in my presence and I’ve just given you a very special Christmas gift] – Jerusalem.

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“I want to thank Vice President Pence for joining us [despite his religious bent]. Where is he? He’s someplace. [Always lurking behind me like he is waiting for something.] Come up here, Mike. Get up here. [Look at him jump when I call.] He can get under those ropes, he’s young and strong. [Also shorter than me.]

“This evening we gather to celebrate the [fairy tale] story that more than [200] 2,000 years ago a tyrant made practicing the Jewish faith punishable by death. He desecrated the temple, including the Holy of Holies [whatever that is]. But a small band of Jewish patriots rose up, defeated a mighty army [good people on both sides] and soon [yadayadayada].

“But the miracle of the Maccabees did not end there [because they went on to found an insurance company. Huge. Really, really big.] As they rededicated the temple, they found only enough oil to light the lamp for a single night. [But then they turned water into wine – which I don’t drink, but if I did it wouldn’t be that stuff because I hear it’s too sweet.] But then the lights kept burning for eight days -- a sign of God’s presence [but a waste of money] and a symbol of the faith and resilience of the Jewish people. You do have faith and you do have resilience. [And tons of money.]

[dc]“T[/dc]he [myth] miracle of [Hamartash] Hanukkah is that the descendants of Abraham [like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers] have endured unthinkable persecution. But no force has ever crushed your spirit, and no evil has ever extinguished your faith. And that is why the Jewish people shine as a light to all nations [except the ones I’ve banned]. And right now I’m thinking about the love that's all over Israel and all about Jerusalem. [And all because of me.]”


Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:36 AM EST, 9 December 2017

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