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Sunday, 5 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

CNN reports that Donald Jr twittered wisely on Halloween that he was “going to take half of Chloe's candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It’s never to [sic] early to teach her about socialism.”

This is such a good moral lesson for Americans that I thought I might expand upon it:

Chloe collects an enormous haul of candy from her wealthy neighbors, then walks a mile to a poor neighborhood and gives it all away. This is called stupid.

Chloe collects an enormous haul of candy from her wealthy neighbors, then walks a mile to a poor neighborhood, intending to give it all away. On the way, she is accosted by a gang of immigrant hoodlums who take her candy and punch her in the face. This is called American Carnage.

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Chloe goes around her neighborhood saying “Trick or Treat”, but the householders all refuse to give her candy, so she punctures their tires. This is called anarchy.

Chloe goes around her neighborhood saying “Trick or Treat”, but the householders all refuse to give her candy, saying Halloween is a pagan holiday, and urge her to do penance on her knees. This is called Theocracy.

Chloe goes around her neighborhood saying “Trick or Treat”, but the householders all refuse to give her candy, so she punctures their tires. This is called anarchy.

Chloe and all the kids in her neighborhood are given vouchers for a limited amount of candy. When they run out of vouchers, householders refuse to give them any more candy. This is called socialism.

Chloe collects an enormous haul of candy from her wealthy neighbors, planning to sell it to poor kids at inflated prices, but her father confiscates 98% of it and distributes it to poorer kids “according to their needs”. She is made to confess her crime. This is called communism.

Chloe forms a limited liability company with other rich kids and buys up all the candy in the poorer neighborhoods, intending to sell it to parents at inflated prices in the week before Halloween. When her father tries to confiscate half of the candy for his own uses, she objects that the business tax is only 35 percent. This is called capitalism.

Chloe takes $100 from her trust fund and buys costumes for 5 kids from poorer neighborhoods, in return for which they promise to split the candy take 50-50. She has her chauffeur drive them to middle-class neighborhoods where they work till midnight. When the candy is counted, Chloe takes 65%. When the kids protest, she sues. When the chauffeur asks for time and a half for the extra hours, she has him fired. This is called family values.

Dan Embree

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Received by the White House at 3:51 AM EST, 5 November 2017