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trump parade

Friday, 9 February 2018

Dear Mr President,

Scene: The Secret War Room at the Pentagon.

Present: President Trump, Vice President Pence, White House Minder Kelly, Secretary Mattis, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Dunford.

Trump: I want a parade.

Mattis: Yes Mr President, we can arrange that, say, for Veterans’ Day. In Scranton.

Trump: What? When is that?

Kelly: November 11th. See, it used to be called . . .

Trump: No! I need it right away. Pence?

Pence: Yes.

Dunford: Well, Mr President, we can get some National Guard units from, say, West Virginia – lots of idle coal miners there – and . . .

Trump: No, real soldiers – no DACAs – with real medals and real guns. And horses. Like the French do on Bad Steel Day . . . I don’t know why they call it that . . . And tanks and missiles just like Little Rocket Man has. Only bigger. Pence?

Pence: Yes.

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My missile thing must be bigger! Longer! I want it painted red. And I want a golden carriage shaped like a pumpkin pulled by seven dwarfs like Caesar had! Pence?

Dunford: The thing is, Mr President, the North Koreans actually have a longer missile than we do – it’s called the Bo Ku Dong – but ours is better. Ours is made with high-quality Chinese steel.

Kelly: [snickering] Maybe that’s why the French call . . .

Trump: My missile thing must be bigger! Longer! I want it painted red. And I want a golden carriage shaped like a pumpkin pulled by seven dwarfs like Caesar had! Pence?

Pence: Yes.

Kelly: Actually I think that was Cinderella. I’m not sure about the seven . . .

Dunford: Wait a minute, sir. Are you going to ride in the parade? I thought you would review it.

Trump: Both! I will ride in the carriage and wave at the crowds. And I will get to the finish line before anyone else and then I will ride back on a tank to watch it. I AM the parade!

Mattis: Right! Mr President. OK. I’ve got it now. We’ll be in touch.

Trump: I know, get that rocket ship that went up last week and landed backwards.

Kelly: You mean the Falcon Heavy? Mr President, you may not be aware that it was designed by an immigrant.

Trump: [sobbing] No! No! I want an AMERICAN parade! I want MY parade! Pence?

dan-embree-17

Pence: [glancing at Kelly] No.

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 03:01 AM EST, 9 February 2018