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Donald Trump’s meteoric rise to the White House will go down as one of the greatest triumphs of mindless indignation and reactionary overstatement over rational thought in the history of American Presidential elections. And in true American style arrogance and denial will stymie acceptance of the magnitude of the mistake until long after serious damage is inflicted upon the majority of those who actually supported him.

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Interview of Former President Donald Trump, November 24, 2018—Lance Simmens

And when judgment day does come an unrepentant charlatan sitting in his skyscraper apartment adorned in golden splendor will boast of his con with the pride of a thief and embezzler who never payed a price for his transgressions. Project forward to that time when sober reflection is in order and I imagine an interview would go something like this.

Interviewer: So Mr. President, when did you know you were going to win?

DJT: Well, sweetheart, to be honest I was absolutely shocked. Have you seen footage of my appearance on stage that evening, November 8, 2016? I was actually touched, didn’t believe I could pull it off. Hauled my 10-year-old son out onstage to witness the greatness of his old man. He didn’t want to be there but what the hell, it was history! My family stood on stage that evening in awe of me. That was a sweet, sweet moment.

Interviewer: What was the turning point for you in retrospect?

DJT: You know, the FBI Director announced just before the election that maybe there might be something in the computer of Anthony Weiner that could provide some semblance of doubt that she might have done something wrong at some point. Boom! That was it, I thought, crooked Hillary just could not shake that description and thank you Jim Comey for the assist. Of course it turned out to be nothing from the perspective of evidence, but from a political perspective I knew it would have an impact. Timing and the planting of doubt, works in all facets of life, whether business or politics. I would say it was luck but I believe the smarter you are the luckier you get.

Interviewer: But you never prosecuted her as you said you would, you never “locked her up” like you encouraged your fans that you would, you never really proved she was in fact, crooked. So how does that work?

DJT: Oh, sweetheart, you folks in the crooked media ought to know that the American people are so easy to accept the worst when they are angry. And in this case it was the white working class that was angry, and for good reason. I love the white ones, they are so malleable and so resolute in their beliefs that politicians are crooked. It was really easy. I mean really, really easy. Played ‘em like a fiddle! Besides, there were real perceived villains, the Blacks, the Latinos, the Muslims, the Gays. That was the really easy part, identifiable bad guys. I just appealed to their stereotypes of what these folks represented. It was not a hard sell at all.

Oh you silly child, I ran on a serious platform, drain the swamp, clean house, run the government like a business, scare the shit out of our enemies, say outrageous things to show that we are not pussies.

Interviewer: But you ran on a false and devious platform?

DJT: Oh you silly child, I ran on a serious platform, drain the swamp, clean house, run the government like a business, scare the shit out of our enemies, say outrageous things to show that we are not pussies. You know white Americans eat that stuff up. Just watch any John Wayne western. I am the John Wayne of politics, even look like him don’t you think? I like to think of me as the new sheriff in town.

Interviewer: But you mislead the American voters on what you said you were going to do versus what you did?

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DJT: C’mon, this is politics honey, people discount campaign talk the same way that they discounted the fact that I was the king of a multinational business enterprise whose only goal was to maximize profits, just like any smart business or businessman for that matter. Nobody really believes that campaign jive, just like nobody believed crooked Hillary when she started spouting off things she would do that were in direct contravention of things she stood for for years. Take the TransPacific Partnership, for instance. She called it the Gold Standard of trade agreements before she saw it made more sense to come out in tepid opposition to it. Everybody lies. That is why a savvy business man such as myself got elected, you got to know when to say the right thing to get the right deal. It is all in the Art of the Deal, sounds like a good book title, eh?

Interviewer: Your administration was riddled with scandals involving your business and it was obvious that you never did quite figure out that it was necessary to separate your business dealings from your role as President. Would you do it differently if you had the chance to do it all over again?

DJT: Not a damn thing. Are you kidding me, honey? I cannot expect you to know this because I have gone to great lengths to make sure that no one is privy to my financial statements or tax records, but you would never believe the amount of net value and worth that being President has netted me. I mean I don’t want to brag but consider what I said I was worth prior to becoming President, and then say multiply it by 20. You figure it out. I am wealthy beyond anything I ever thought possible but more importantly wealthier than anything my father could have imagined. I could buy your newspaper just to fire you if you write a bad article about me. Remember that, but you’re cute so I would not do that. Maybe you could use a little breast enhancement, some lip injection, if you know what I mean, but don’t worry, you would do in a pinch or a grab or something like that.

Interviewer: I am sure you meant that as a compliment. I will do my best to be a fair journalist. So you made 20 times as much by being President for two years as you made in the 70 years before that?

DJT: Pretty impressive, don’t you think. You know, the Republican Congress did me a favor by forcing me to resign under threat of impeachment. It was the sweetest golden parachute one could ever ask for. And besides, Mike Pence did all the work, so he rightfully should be President. He is a true believer and he really likes that political stuff. Personally I found it to be funny but not fun. I mean I mastered that in a few short months and then tired of it. Although it was fun having every leader kiss my ass. I liked that, but do I miss it? Not on your life.

Interviewer: What is your view of the American people, now that you do not need their votes?

DJT: Well, I will give you a scoop here. The American people would collectively make terrible poker players. They wear their emotions on their sleeves. I mean I told the voters in Iowa that they were stupid and guess who won Iowa? Yep. I told white folks in Michigan that I would bring more automobile jobs back to their state, and they believed me. I told white miners in West Virginia that I would reopen the mines and they overwhelmingly supported me. I told white supremacists that I did not know David Duke and was against racism and they took it as a wink and a nod and saluted me.

I could tell white voters anything, I mean more than half of white women voted for me after a dozen women came forward with sexual harassment charges. Hell, there was even a tape with me joking about grabbing women’s anatomy. They are all suckers. They knew I could not deliver but they just wanted to believe me so they did. It was the easiest sale I ever made. And because of me we now have a President who actually knows how to do what needs to be done and we have set the country on a course towards greatness again. That was because of me. Look at the Supreme Court, they will be confounding the Democratic Liberal agenda for generations to come. I set the table, made money, went out on my own terms and made the country great again. What more can I say?

Interviewer: What is in store for you now?

DJT: I want to have my face on the $1 million bill. I think that would be a fitting tribute to a great entrepreneur, a person who loves this country, and if I may be so bold saved the country from ruin. Not bad for the son of a slumlord, don’t you think?

With that the young woman concluded the interview, went home, took a long shower and filed her interview verbatim with no commentary. His words stood for themselves and needed no comment. She resigned the next day and moved to Costa Rica.

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Lance Simmens