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trump tax cuts

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Dear Mr. President,

There’s been so much uncertainty about your Biggest Ever in the History of Tax Cuts Tax Cut that the Republican County Chairman Orrin Romney brought in J. Rutherford “The Baron” Munchausen, a lawyer from Washington – a specialist in “tax policy, financial fraud, and international transfers of very large amounts of cash of unspecified origin – to explain the benefits to an overflow crowd at the Legion Hall in Sal Si Puede. He kept saying, “Believe me” and “You better believe it” in a reassuring way, and so eventually most everybody did.

The major purpose of the bill is to cut the nominal business tax from 35 to 20 percent – “nominal” he said, because no businesses except those run by fools actually pay 35 percent what with all the loop-holes that lobbyists have already built into the tax code.

First he pointed out that the major purpose of the bill was to cut the nominal business tax from 35 to 20 percent – “nominal” he said, because no businesses except those run by fools actually pay 35 percent what with all the loop-holes that lobbyists have already built into the tax code. “In a county like this one, you can expect a massive business expansion, mostly in dollar stores and pay-day lenders. Jobs, jobs, jobs!”

When some skeptic pointed out that the corporate cuts were permanent while the few personal benefits would disappear in five years, he pointed out that in five years, we would all be so rich we wouldn’t care. “Just consult your broker about your portfolio. Coal and oil stocks should be winners.”

“My what . . . portapottio?” asked Riley Fernandez. “My outhouse?”

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“Talk to your broker. We have to move on.”

He moved on to the benefit of eliminating deductions for state and local taxes, thus avoiding the bothersome search through drawers for lost papers. Businesses, of course, will keep these deductions because they’re run by smart, anal-retentive people who understand money and keep records.

Melba Thumper asked why Obamacare had to be gutted to pay for cuts for the rich.

“Fake news! Communist propaganda! Bernie Sanders!”

He ended with the estate tax, which we had never thought about. He explained that those of us who might die leaving estates between $5.49 million and $10 million would avoid paying any tax at all. Those who hung on for six more years would pay no tax, even if they’re billionaires. Someone said that there were no such people in Gatos Gordos County, with the possible exception of Huff Swaggar, who has 20 gas wells on his ranch. “Ah,” said the Baron, “but you will all benefit if he gets even more money. It will drip down on you in the form of tips at restaurants or seasonal work on his ranch. This is no time to be selfish.”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received at the White House at 7:18 AM EST, 25 December 2017