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trump visits asia

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Dear Mr President,

Here are some travel tips for your Asian tour.

Leave Jared at home. Since his status has changed from Guy Who Is Solving All International Problems to Guy Who Has Caused All Domestic Problems, he would just be hanging around pouting and making snide remarks about you to the press. If you’re lucky, by the time you get back, Mueller will have slapped an ankle bracelet on him that will explode if he comes near the White House.

Ditto John Kelly. Tell him to distract the liberal press by attacking women and minorities in Congress or the Press Corps. They fall for this every time. When you return, threaten to fire him, but don’t actually do it.

To really piss Jared off, take Ivanka along as Special Advisor on Far Eastern Commerce. She can visit her workers during their once-daily 10-minute break.

On the other hand, take Mike Pence (but not his wife) with you. To leave him behind would be to risk a coup. Make sure he attends diplomatic dinners where there are young women and drinks. Have this photographed. Later call him a hypocrite.

Have last-minute messages sent to Tillerson sending him to the wrong meeting-room. This will make him look like a moron.

To really piss Jared off, take Ivanka along as Special Advisor on Far Eastern Commerce. She can visit her workers during their once-daily 10-minute break. The rest of the time she can model her fashions, sign autographs, sell Green Cards, and distract those horny old Chinese officials.

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Instruct Sarah Sanders to give the same answer with the same nose-wrinkled snarl to every press question for the next week: “Our answer to that has not changed.” By the time you come back, they will have quit attending.

Compliment each head of state’s wife in a carefully nuanced way: “Not bad looking, considering”, “Have you lost weight?”, “I know a good face-lift guy”, and so forth.

If you stay in any hotels picked out by your hosts, don’t order room service (they might misunderstand). Sleep in your clothes.

Show off your cosmopolitan savoir faire by casually sprinkling your conversation with Asian words like “chow-mein”, “rik-sha”, “chogi-stick”, and “boom-boom”.

If foreign reporters ask you about anything you don’t understand, nod reflectively, and say, “Possibly, in the next short period of time.”

Have your aides follow you about with cases of toilet paper. Toss rolls out whenever a crowd gathers.

If you plan to start a nuclear war with North Korea, it would be best to do it while you are not in South Korea, Japan, Hawaii, or any West Coast American city. Even better, leave the nuke-button at home.

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 1:58 AM EST, 4 November 2017