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For my own amusement I have taken to writing a cheery note to Trump on the White House site every morning. Really, I do. I didn't think I would get this far before I was cut off or the Secret Service knocked on my door with a warrant for violation of the Federal Irony Act.

writing president trump

But, as proof that nobody actually reads Trump's mail, all that has happened is I've been added to his Buddies List. I was asked whether I wanted to contribute any ideas to his congressional speech, so I suggested cutting the minimum wage in half to make the jobs so shitty that no illegals would want them. To my disappointment, he did not include that in his speech. But I think it's under study.

Here's my collection of letters to date.

Dan Embree

25 February 2017

Dear Mr President,

I noted your insistence that no anonymous sources by used by the media -- that all public statements have a name attached.

When at your press conference last week a reporter debunked your claim that your electoral college vote was the highest since Reagan, you replied, "I was given that." Could you provide the name of your source?

Dan Embree

26 February 2017

Dear Mr President,

After I sent my comment yesterday, it occurred to me that it might be misunderstood. I’m on your side about the no-anonymous-sources issue. If the NYT will reveal its sources, it will allow you to get the IRS to publish the sources’ tax records – which I think everybody agrees would be a good thing. And if you reveal your source for that best-electoral-college-win-since-Reagan claim and if it turns out to be a White House staffer, then you will be justified in eliminating one little piece of human grit from the fine-tuned machine. Keep up your campaign for truth!

Dan Embree

27 February 2017

Dear Mr President,

As an ardent supporter, I applaud your decision to skip the Correspondents Dinner next April. Who needs it? A bunch of left-winger, soft-on-terror, truth-obsessed bed-wetters (disgusting!) telling jokes about mentally deranged people with legal guns (poor taste!) and coal-mine waste in trout streams (totally false!) aren’t going to protect us from those unaccompanied children sneaking across the border to commit shop-lifting raids on Arizona shopping malls. Besides, if I were you, I wouldn’t make plans that far in advance.

Dan Embree

28 February 2017

Dear Mr President,

Please continue your campaign to expose the terrorist attacks by immigrants that are plaguing Swedish cities. My Swedish refugee neighbor here in New Mexico, Carl Kottbullar, says that in his hometown of Snallastorinte, in northern Lugnochro District, there have been several incidents of terrorists of the Norsk Befrielsearme cutting into the front of the line at the Svenska Valfard Kontor.

Please continue your campaign to expose the terrorist attacks by immigrants that are plaguing Swedish cities. My Swedish refugee neighbor here in New Mexico, Carl Kottbullar, says that in his hometown of Snallastorinte, in northern Lugnochro District, there have been several incidents of terrorists of the Norsk Befrielsearme cutting into the front of the line at the Svenska Valfard Kontor.

Dan Embree

1 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Fantastic last night! You’re right, you’ve got the best words. Mostly. Your speech-writer – is it that grit-in-the-machine guy again? – he flubbed a few, like that “delivered deep from my heart” bit, I think there’s a problem with the order there, but that’s him, not you. Mostly, as I say, incredible. Literally incredible. Oh, and the “in recent decades past” part – tell Mr Grit that all recent decades are past. Except for that, huge.

And you’re right about the standing ovation. A record for the widow of that Seal who died on the mission you planned over dinner. I checked, it was actually 17 seconds shorter than the applause for Calvin Coolidge’s observation in his last State of the Union that he was looking forward to retirement so he could “begin goin’ fishin’”, but the applause was later disqualified when it turned out that the crowd had thought he said he would “end Prohibition.” Coolidge – total loser!

Dan Embree

2 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Way to go! You totally faked out the Flailing New York Times and all those other rags that don’t understand the Fake News business. Just because you told them before the speech that you were considering a compromise to let some illegals with clean records stay in the country, they thought you were considering a compromise to let some illegals with clean records stay in the country. The Times actually printed a 2-column head saying TRUMP RECEPTIVE TO A MIGRANT PLAN LETTING MANY STAY. I mean, that appeared the next day, after you never said a word about it in your speech. What is it these losers don’t understand about the art of the deal? I guess they didn’t notice that deal you made with those cute little so-called USA Freedom Kids whom you hired to perform in Des Moines last year and after they flew there you told them the deal was off. And now they’re suing? Good luck with that. Like the Times, they didn’t realize whom they were dealing with.

Dan Embree

3 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I have to be frank. The aircraft carrier thing was not the best, image-wise. OK, I know you needed a commander-in-chief gesture after the remark about how the generals “lost him” – the Seal that died on the mission you planned over dinner. But these guys are not generals. They call them admirals in the navy. Pardonable error, what with that no-longer-noticeable foot injury that prevented your own military service. Plus this aircraft carrier has been under construction longer than a couple of your marriages and has cost more than the net worth of your cabinet. Almost. Plus named after Ford? – total loser. See about that name before you let Ivanka waste a bottle of champagne on it. And that jacket they gave you for free? OK, nifty patches just like the real ones, but – and sure, check with Ivanka for a second fashion opinion – it made you look fat.

Bright spot – almost nobody saw it, because of the Sessions thing.

Dan Embree

4 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’m with you on the “total witch hunt” thing. I take you at your word, as I’m sure 35 percent of America does, that you had “nothing to do with Russia” and “no person [you] deal with does.” But because I know you’re busy with more important business like authorizing raids over dinner with Jared, I thought I give you a quick course in so-called contacts with so-called Russians.

First there’s Paul Manafort, totally forgettable guy, briefly your campaign manager after years as advisor to one of those pro-Russian Ukrainian dictators, and you said you never knew him before. I guess he was suggested by some old friend – was it Vlad? Then Carter Page, briefly your foreign policy advisor who met with Russian Ambassador Kis– something, but “never outside Cleveland” –which renders the meeting totally harmless.

Cleveland was also where your surrogate Jeff Sessions (you’ll know him when you see him, little guy with pointy ears, but definitely not an alien, because he hates aliens) met with the Kis– guy, but how could you know that when Jeff himself barely remembers? Then Wilbur Ross, your Commerce Secretary, big investor in the Russian-owned Bank of Cyprus, where Trump & Sons borrows money sometimes (probably the sons handle this) and where Putin launders his money, now that the laundering he used to do at Deutsche Bank got detected and banker Josef Ackermann (you’ve probably never heard of him) who did the laundry at DB got fired and would have been homeless had not Ross got him a job as chairman of the Bank of Cyprus.

Then Dmitry Rybolovlev, the “fertilizer king of Russia” (the title may be metaphoric), also a major investor in the Bank of Cyprus, who paid you $90 million or so for an ugly mansion in Florida that you had just paid $40 million for – you said you never met him at the time, but his plane and yours were spotted at the same airports (like West Palm Beach or Concord, NC) several times during the campaign – a total coincidence – or 8 or 10 coincidences – I’m sure. And then Jared, of course, but he hardly counts because who “deals with” a son-in-law or a nephew – Tony Soprano? We don’t need to mention Mike Flynn, he’s so not there any more.

Nobody knew that being president could be so complicated.

Dan Embree

5 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’m not surprised he would try something like this – tapping your phone in Trump Towers. But the more likely locus tappendi (a technical term we use in the trade) is the White House itself. Did it occur to you that there was a reason you couldn’t get those light switches to work? Look around. Sweep the place. Not with a broom.

Ask the Secret Service, they know how to do it. But remember they were his guys. Just trust new guys. Don’t worry about the Oval Office itself – that would be too obvious. Closets. Places where you have your twits or snits or whatever. The dining room where you plan secret things. He’d love to get his hands on the timing of the next raid so he can tip them off just to make you look like the sort of clown who would discuss secret things with his son-in-law. I’ll tell you I wouldn’t discuss jack with my son-in-law.

Have someone you trust (Jared? I’d be careful, definitely not Bannon, maybe Ivanka) check under the carpets and inside the table legs. If there’s anyone there with small hands, have them feel up inside the radiators. Then look for cameras – usually up in high places disguised in picture frames or shelf brackets like they have in that Ritz-Carlton where you’ve stayed. Be watchful.

Have you noticed how Pence has gone quiet – like he’s biding his time?

Dan Embree

6 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I hope it won’t be presumptuous to offer a few thoughts on the White House staff. I can tell from the way you’ve been screaming at them that you sense that there’s more than one piece of grit in the fine-tuned machine. And for sure they screwed up big time by letting the Attorney General go rogue and tender his recusation (it’s a word, look it up) without your permission – which, of course, you would never have given because he stands between you and . . . . . . all that Russian stuff.

So let’s start with Sessions: Lose him. Tomorrow. He’s blown his major purpose. You can find a better lawyer (not hard) among one of your friends who doesn’t talk secretly to Russians (harder but surely possible). Or just some guy nobody (even the Russians) have never heard of and who has something dark in his past so he’ll do what he’s told. Like a good divorce lawyer from Beaver City, Nebraska who has done a little insider stuff with corn futures?

Kelly-Anne Conway: She’s an asset. If the White House were on fire, she’d just flash that smile that looks like the grille of a 1946 Chevy pickup and swear nothing was amiss. Just tell her to keep her shoes off the couch.

Reince Priebus: A human weather-vane, with a name like a German sports car. Out here in New Mexico, we don’t care much for German sports cars.

Steve Bannon: Smart. Focused. Ruthless. On the verge of violence at all times. Everything you secretly wish you were.

Steven Miller: Hateable at first sight. This is the guy you throw over the wall when things get tough.

Sean Spicer: Hold on to him at all costs. Every time he’s on Saturday Night Live, you’re not.

Dan Embree

7 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

The Obama-tapped-my-phone thing is brilliant! It feeds into the suspicions we already have about the black helicopters and the tunnels full of illegal aliens under abandoned Walmarts and the child actors pretending to be dead at Sandy Hook, and like those, it is proved conclusively by the absence of evidence. Talk about a cover-up! Nothing feeds my Uncle Philbert’s certainty about the dark forces who are out to get us like a conspiracy involving hundreds or thousands of government agents, fake-media reporters in New York, New Yorkers in general, and people named Obama.

Now that the rabbit is loose, and the media guys are all chasing it with lines like “Did Obama really tap his phone?” and “Spicer says ‘Something must have happened!’”, you don’t have to worry about anything. The congressional committees will do Bengazi-style investigations for a year or so and the more they don’t find, the harder they’ll look, and the more Uncle Philbert will get his drawers in a wad – which is his chief activity these days. The Russian thing? It’s so yesterday.

Some ideas I have for the future: “The North Koreans are planning to disrupt my son’s graduation from preparatory school.” “A man closely resembling Bernie Sanders attempted to scale the White House fence intending to plant evidence that I subscribe to Playboy, but he overpowered the guards and escaped.” “Elizabeth Warren cannot account for her whereabouts on the night of Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance.”

Dan Embree

8 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I’m starting to think about war. I know you’re way ahead of me on this because foreign distractions always solve problems at home – even foreign ones, like the Russian stuff with the, you know, . . . money laundering and the so-called Foreign Corrupt Practices Act and the Golden Shower – who knew what that was anyway? You must have thought it involved gold coins or something. Totally innocent mistake. Anyway, nobody knows distraction like you.

Out here in Real America, we caught the import of that line in the teleprompter speech about “lighting up the world”. (At first we thought it was some nonsense about global goodness and mercy stuck in there by some namby-pamby White House speech writer to win over a few Hillary bed-wetter (excuse the reference) types. But then we thought – North Korea!

Actually, North Korea wouldn’t be my first choice, I mean they have no oil and they eat grass, so if we conquered them, they’d all end up on some sort of Marshall Plan welfare giveaway, and I don’t see Rex Tillerson flying into Pyongyang with a cargo of frozen Tex-Mex. My advice, think Mexico – they’re close and they do have oil. Some, not a lot. But good beaches. Think hotels, condos, casinos. Of course, there’s the welfare problem again.

I remember you proclaiming that “We’re going to start winning wars again like we did when I was young.” I’m having a little trouble with that last part, because I think you were born after WW II and I don’t think we won any wars after that, but that’s just a detail, nobody remembers. But we all remember Victory at Sea, right? I’m guessing that was your war experience. I’m seeing you in your spiffy size-XXX security-guard windbreaker with the nifty patches, on the deck of that unfinished carrier, the Gerald R. Ford (renamed the Ivanka), parked in Acapulco Bay, accepting the surrender of Vicente Fox or whoever, while the US Marine Band plays “Imagine All the People” (a sly reference to those 3 million illegals who voted for Hillary, really rubbing it in) and Kellyanne takes pictures. So sit down with Jared and a big plate of cheeseburgers and start drawing arrows on the extra McDonald’s napkins. On to Caracas!

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Dan Embree

9 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

You’ve said your favorite Bible verse is Exodus 21:24 – the one about eyes and teeth – a spiritual insight, big time. So I know you share my own deep spirituality, giving prayerful consideration to each smiting before you smite. In the hope of encouraging the scriptural basis for the plagues you are visiting upon the land, I offer here my own expertise in interpreting Scripture in a modern context. I have chosen for my text the Parable of the Good Samaritan, because it tells us how we are to treat the poor, the sick, and the losers who get mugged.

First of all, this guy going to Jericho – not smart, was it? – considering Jericho’s reputation for second-rate work – they couldn’t even build a proper wall. He was asking for it, OK? So he got beat up and left naked in a ditch. I wonder if that was all, something sick there – disgusting! Now who were these muggers? Obviously a gang, right? – probably Sumerian aliens who came through the broken wall. OK, right there, the scriptural meaning couldn’t be clearer. Build a better wall and make the Sumerians pay for it, because face it, they didn’t send their best people. In fact, I don’t think the Sumerians even had any best people.

Then the priest – he’s not some lovable nobody played by Bing Crosby with nothing better to do than fuss over a naked guy in a ditch and sing a song about it to boot. He’s like a broker at Goldman, feels for the guy, sure, but he feels for the country more. Entitlements lead straight to deficits. He had no choice.

And the Levite, he’s even more special – special genes, like yours, special ideas, special words – the best, actually. Look at it this way. Suppose you’re headed for the tee at Mar-a-lago with Ted Nugent and Kanye West, photographers and a reporter from the Christian Broadcasting Network in tow, and you come on a naked guy bleeding on your grass. Are you going to blow the photo-op, which could affect the fate of the free world, by stopping to ask him what his problem is? No way.

Finally the “Good” Samaritan came along, looking like Bernie Sanders, and cleaned up the mess. Good for him. A couple of brownie points.

And the slump in the ditch? You can bet the experience did him no good. He probably became dependent, expected more of the oil-and-wine treatment, hung around the inn looking for handouts.

My favorite Bible verse? Ecclesiastes 10:16.

Dan Embree

10 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Down at the Retrofit Bar and Grill here in rural New Mexico, my buddies and I all wear MAGA caps and tell Hillary jokes and Bernie jokes (and sometimes Hillary-Bernie jokes) and talk about how great it’s going to be when America is Great Again just like it was when . . . . And then we get into a debate about when exactly it was great before. So since you and I have a sort of relationship, because I write you every day (although you never write back – is it something I said?), I agreed to ask you. I know you’re busy planning raids and stuff, so I’ll just tell you when I think it was, and if I’m right, you won’t need to answer.

Some of the guys think it was the Reagan Era, when we got our hostages back from Iran and gave them a Bible and some cakes and fixed that problem. But I remember seeing you on a Sunday talk show during the Reagan Era saying the same thing about making us great again. So it must have been before that.

I think it was when you and I were young – in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Amos and Andy was on the radio and nobody saw a problem with that. Jokes were still OK – women driver jokes, ditzy women jokes, any kind of women jokes, even Eleanor Roosevelt jokes, Catholic jokes (I’ve got a great pope and Eleanor joke, but I can’t tell it here), jokes about Jews and money, cartoons of Mexicans in big hats sleeping under cactuses. It was a great time to be young and male and white and, in your case, rich. We could act as if the world of those jokes was real. And I guess it was. I never grabbed a girl by the p - - - - -, as I’m pretty sure you must have, but I doubt that the repercussions (except from my parents) would have been very great if I had. There was a place for everyone, and everyone knew his place. (His place – there was none of this “his or her” crap in those days.)

And the country was booming. Forests were being clear-cut, factories and cars were belching smoke, textile mills were making the air stink for miles, the rivers and streams were sewers designed by God for the use of mining companies, and everybody said it all smelled like money. America was Great.

Then what happened?

Dan Embree

11 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Have you seen the unemployment figures just out from the Bureau of Labor Statistics? They were phony all through the Obama years, as you kept telling us during the campaign – he was claiming 4.8 percent when you said you had heard they were really as high as 42 percent. Well, now that you’ve forced them to report honest figures, they’re showing 4.7 percent. Obviously the amazing effect of your election – I hear that you won 306 electoral votes, the most since Calvin Coolidge!

Of course, the elites are claiming that such a decrease is impossible, but I’ve done an analysis that shows how it probably happened:

  • The US labor force is 160 million. (That’s the number of hard-working Americans who have jobs, or who could have jobs if they weren’t taken by lazy immigrants who sneak into the country and walk for days across the desert just to get a seat on the gravy train.)
  • At 42 percent unemployment, there were 67.2 million who were looking for work, mostly former miners who got laid off as a result of Obama’s War on Coal. Nearly all of them live in McDowell County, West Virginia.
  • At 4.7 percent unemployment, only 7.5 million still don’t have a job. They are mostly gang members in California who live off welfare and selling drugs. Right after your inauguration they got $1500 a week for going to demonstrations, but that source dried up once all opposition to your administration collapsed.
  • This means that 59.7 million people have found work since you took office.
    How is this possible?
  • Though you’ve kept it quiet to avoid hard feelings, most illegal aliens have been deported. Since most held two jobs, 20 million laid-off coal miners moved to California to pick vegetables and clean pools.
  • Another half million entered the informal pharmaceutical distribution industry.
  • The all-but-certain repeal of Obamacare has led insurers to hire extra telephone salespeople, and hospitals to lay on more emergency-room staff.
  • The gun industry is booming, as “bullet boutiques” are opening up in the lobbies of mental hospitals, right next to the flower shops.
  • With the repeal of most regulations against imaginative financing, thousands of car salesmen and carnival barkers have moved up to Wall Street, while their former positions have been taken by discredited scientists of the Obama EPA.
  • There’s a housing boom in Canada.

Dan Embree

12 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

I was reading the New York Times this morning – I admit to doing this sometimes, just to keep track of what the enemy is up to – and I noticed several reports about your cabinet (not the big walnut one) that might not be in your Intelligence Briefing from Breitbart, so I thought I would boil them down to 140 characters each for easy reading.

  • Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson, on a heavily guarded trip into downtown Atlanta to investigate American Carnage, discovered lots of bla . . .
  • Secretary of State Rex “My philosophy is making money” Tillerson was spotted by Andrea Mitchell gazing at a portrait of Putin. Asked why, he stared at her until she went aw . . .
  • Secretary of Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price said “Your health plan cost is just a matter of choice – whether you want lots of coverage, or a little, or absolutely no . . .”
  • Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, asked how Wall Street deregulation was going, replied “Fantastic . . . we are going to have another housing boom, for a little whi . . .”
  • EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt has announced that he has discovered the cause of Global Warming: it’s Daylight Savings Time, because, you know, all that extra sunli . . .

Dan Embree

13 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Some of my neighbors here in New Mexico who voted for you (legally – unlike the 75,000 illegals who crossed the border and cast ballots for Hillary in the names of absent New Mexico citizens who had been tricked by John Podesta into returning to their ancestral homes in Scandinavia on the pretext that rich cousins were dying and had something important to tell them) are beginning to have second thoughts because of the propaganda about Trumpcare being spread by the stay-behind Obama saboteurs hiding in government offices and under beds in the White House – have you checked?

My cousin Esteban is one of them – not the saboteurs, the neighbors with doubts. He’s a good guy and works hard driving a cattle-truck for a local rancher (big donor of yours) for $7.50 an hour – minimum wage here – and his wife Thelma gets $2.13 PLUS tips at the Café Clatcheria – also minimum wage, so they make a little too much (even if Thelma doesn’t report all the tips, which I’m sure you can understand) to qualify for Medicaid with only one child. No complaints, but the child has been sick a lot, so they need medical insurance and can’t afford the plans offered by the firms that supported your campaign – no offense. They were doing OK with Obamacare (they didn’t know that was what they had), but now they’re scared.

I’ve tried to explain that Tom Price and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell (and of course you and Jared and Ivanka) all understand their plight, but that the good of the country requires that sacrifices be made. If Esteban and Thelma and 20 million other hard-working, native-born, church-going (or synagogue-going, of course, no problem about that) truck-drivers and waitresses don’t make the sacrifice, then it will fall on the cattle-barons and restaurant-chain owners and the brokers with whom they’ve invested to make a sacrifice, and since those are the people who create the jobs, then anyone can see what will happen to the truck-drivers and waitresses: job losses, mortgage foreclosures (I reminded them who the Secretary of the Treasury is), long lines at the welfare office, foster homes, and repossession of the TV. I pointed out that if Esteban and Thelma had managed their portfolio a little better, they’d be able to afford Trumpcare AND the new iPhone8. But they were late for their extra-shifts and the baby-sitter hadn’t showed up, so I don’t think they were listening.

Dan Embree

14 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Now it’s clear. Sean Spicer has explained that in your famous tweet:

– Obama had my ‘wires tapped’ in Trump Tower

– your use of single quotation marks indicates that you were just fooling around – the way you do, a laugh a minute in this White House – and that you didn’t mean that he had your wires tapped, but just meant, broadly that somebody had done some . . .

– surveillance and other activities.

Furthermore, that when you referred to Obama by name, you didn’t mean Obama at all, but just somebody in his administration, and certainly didn’t mean anything personal when you called him . . .

– a “bad” or “sick guy”.

As Spicer said a week ago, the tweet speaks for itself.

But I think I can read a little further between the lines. I note that the words “bad” and “sick guy” were in DOUBLE quotation marks, which makes them doubly ironic. What I’m pretty sure a streetwise New Yorker like you meant here was “cool or cagey dude”. Obama himself probably knew this and felt flattered, considering his . . . background.

This helps to make some of your other words clear, if we just cock our ears to hear the quotation marks – as in:

– We’re going to build a “wall.”

– You’re going to have “lower” premiums.

– I can’t release my tax returns because they’re in an “audit”.

– This is a ban on “immigrants”.

Please don’t be distracted by the chatter of the liberals and the enemy media. Keep on making America “Great”. You say whatever you want. We’ll believe whatever we want. We’ll all be happy.

Dan Embree

15 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Terrific news! Fantastic! The Congressional Budget Office estimates that a mere 24 million people will ultimately lose their medical insurance when the scourge of Obamacare is repealed and “replaced”. Premiums will go up 15–20 percent in the next two years, but then start to drop slowly as the uninsured begin to die, thus improving the overall health of the coverage pool – not to mention the overall health of the gene pool with higher rates of people smart enough to invest their earnings from recycled beer cans and unreported tips in growth industries, of which the medical insurance industry would be a very good bet.

So at least 10 million people won’t lose their coverage until after the 2020 election. By the time your second term is up, you and Jared will have made so much out of your current gigs that you won’t even care.

And even better, the savings from all those unnecessary breast-cancer screenings and hare-lips surgeries will free up several hundred billions for the wall, the deportation task force, and enhanced vetting at black sites in Crimea – this last the sort cost-saving-by-consolidation that only someone with your business savvy would have thought of.

Another bright spot – my sampling locally shows that some of those who are slated to lose their coverage likely didn’t vote for you – such as people with Hispanic names whose ancestors sneaked across the border in the seventeenth century just to have anchor-babies and qualify their descendants for those coveted slots in the Marine Corps in Iraq.

On the other hand, as far as I can tell, the entire membership of the Republican Committee in the county were not on Obamacare anyway, since they care afford much better coverage. Not as good as Paul Ryan’s, of course, but still, pretty good.

But remember that the government plan that Paul Ryan has as a member of Congress mandates that he get free cancer coverage. Paul Ryan hates mandates. He loves the Free Market (where, he is quick to point out, nothing is actually free – Duh, it’s a MARKET for Heaven’s sake!). Under Trumpcare, all Americans (except Paul Ryan and his colleagues) will have the freedom to choose to face the future without cancer-coverage – the freedom to die in their own beds and their own urine, attended by their surviving children, short of breath, in pain, and free.

Dan Embree

16 March 2017

Dear Mr President,

Down at the Retrofit, my MAGA buds and I have been talking about how to support you in the most meaningful way – by buying your stuff, as Kellyanne (is that her real name?) Conway advised on TV. Most of us can’t afford to stay in the Trump Hotel except Milford (but he’s in the Witness Protection Program and can’t return to NYC). And when we thought of a bus trip to Florida to play golf, Jose pulled a face about it because he didn’t think he’d be allowed on the course since he’s . . . you know . . . ethnically challenged.
So we started looking at the internet Trumpstuff site. Rusty asked his wife Melba if she’d be interested in the Ivanka Trump Lace Sleeve and Yoke Pleated Sunburst Scuba Crepe Knit Sheath Dress size XX $148 plus shipping, but she said the color (black) is not right for her. Could you ask Ivanka if it comes in camouflage? We all thought the Trump Red White and Blue Crew Socks (with TRUMP written right up the side!) were very classy and a bargain at $10.99 and no tax if we buy 24 pair (which we thought was totally appropriate), but we’re not much into crewing out here in New Mexico because of the absence of water.

So we’re still considering. And we think Ms Conway got a bad rap from those so-called ethics people. The election was about FREEDOM, right? And you won, right? So you get to do what you want, right?

Milford (he says you’ll remember him as Franco) wants to know what an ambassadorship is going for. Some place nice, not political, preferably where they speak English, but don’t have American newspapers. Definitely not Africa. Maybe Argentina. Milford has money to spend.

Dan Embree

17 March 17 2017

Dear Mr President,

I saw in the Washington Post that Kellyanne Conway was helping you expand the meaning of having your “wires tapped” by explaining that “any number of things” could be meant – “for example” she said “a microwave could be used as a camera.” She’s great, Kellyanne is, what would you do without her? And the very next day I heard from a friend in the trade (I used to be in the trade) that she was right. Never mind about his name – just cite him as “a leak from an anonymous but reliable source close to unnamed operatives in one of the intelligence community’s foreign liaison units” – write that down so you keep it accurate – that in fact the “custom jumbo combo gold plated micro-wave oven” that you special-ordered from Bucharest for Trump Tower came with a Zeiss Compact Zoom CZ.2 15-30mm/2.9 T (Meter) digital camera with PL-Mount Lens and 24-hr electronic transmission capability mounted inside. Didn’t you wonder what the “combo” meant? Didn’t you see that large round black thing at the back labeled “Thermostat”? Jeez!

That’s the bad news. The good news is that the only transmission actually received by Obama on his toaster (he took it from the White House when he left) was a 5-minute and 11-second clip at 2:13 AM showing you in a gold velour Rocky Balboa bathrobe placing a plate of 5 cheeseburgers in the microwave and then staring impatiently at them with your nose against the glass for 2 minutes and 3 seconds. Then an explosion of grease and cheese obscured the lens. There was no audio – did I mention it came with audio? So you and Jared need to plan your next raid in Syria from some more secure place. Maybe the veranda at Mar-a-Lago?

So three points: First, you have been proved right. Second, don’t tip him off by returning the microwave to get your money back – just take the loss. Third, don’t talk around the dishwasher.

Dan Embree