An Open Letter to the President of the People’s Republic of China, the Honorable Xi Jinping From the American People
Mr. President, please excuse our knucklehead President-elect. That phone call he placed to Taiwan yesterday was just his way of joking. He is quite a jokester. I know he was merely trying to determine how much humor he could get away with. That bit about him feathering his bed with special treatment from foreign leaders and governments before he actually becomes President in seven weeks is just his way of showing what a prankster he actually is. He knows those permits and contracts he has pending all around the world would have been delivered regardless of whether or not he massaged the egos of foreign leaders. But he thought it would be a good icebreaker for his upcoming gig, that being President and leader of the Free Market World.
He just loves everybody. He had no idea it was a big deal to you. After all, Taiwan, China, the whole Far East all look Chinese to him. He had no idea you would actually think he was serious—man, he has not a serious bone in his body. I am serious. He is just really high on life right now. I mean he got elected President of the United States by losing the popular vote by more than 2.5 million votes! That is magic. He managed to con 62 million people, most of them white, but more importantly a serious chunk of them in the heartland of the country, places like Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio and yes throw in mid-Atlantic Pennsylvania into believing that he actually meant the things he was saying.
Trump's untruths are merely truths turned upside down to keep you on your toes. When he says he is draining the swamp he is actually stocking it with more deadly creatures.
That bit about levying a 35 percent tax on your country if any business even entertained the idea of offshoring its operations to your great country, with a really great wall, and great people? Well c’mon, Xi baby, it was all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. He really meant that he would take tax dollars slotted for wasteful social programs like Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Welfare, Planned Parenthood, Food Stamps, and other such socialist nonsense and pay companies not to leave. When liberals did it it was called industrial policy; when conservatives do it it is called capitalism at its finest! Get it? It is all just a hoax, just like climate change, you know, that propaganda your country has foisted upon the world.
But please do not think he was trying to single you out for intimidation. Just the day before he flattered the leader of Pakistan, you know that bastion of freedom somewhere near India or Afghanistan or one of the stans that used to belong to the Soviet Union. We want to make friends with all of them because Vlad wants them back. He really is a peacemaker, why can’t we all just get along. Look you have the Great Wall, the Soviets used to have the Berlin Wall, it is time for America to have the biggest wall of all!
Look, I know this is difficult to comprehend, in fact most of the 62 million ignorant boobs that voted for him are just now understanding what the hell it is they did and everybody knows how intelligent and well versed in policy the American people are, right? He may come across as a boob, too, but that is just to fool all the people some of the time, or something like that. He was so enamored with your great philosopher Sun Tzu’s book “The Art of War” that he was inspired to write “The Art of the Deal”. In the Chinese version it says quite clearly that “even though you are competent, appear to be incompetent. Though effective, appear to be ineffective.”
Ahhhhh! You see he is just playing with you. If he appears to be a friggin’ idiot, you will think he is but he is really quite brilliant and cunning. Thus, to triumph in Trump World you need to reverse logic and rationality. What appears illogical is logical. What appears irrational is rational. Trump reminds me of the General Custer character in the seminal movie Little Big Man. While deciding whether to take his troops into the fateful battle of Little Big Horn he uses his hapless scout as a reverse barometer by asking him whether he should proceed. After hearing that he would get slaughtered he remarks “still trying to outsmart me, aren’t you, mule-skinner. You want me to think that you don’t want me to go down there, but the subtle truth is you really “don’t” want me to go down there!” Such is the circular logic of Donald Trump.
Once you get the hang of it, it is not hard to see how clever and funny he actually is. And if he appears unserious he is…..you guessed it serious! His untruths are merely truths turned upside down to keep you on your toes. When he says he is draining the swamp he is actually stocking it with more deadly creatures. When he says he is a friend of the worker, he means the guys who do all the work, the dealmakers. The guys at the top of the food chain will be rewarded because they obviously worked harder at conning others than anyone else.
Now, here is something you must know. The incoming President of the U.S. is a kidder but does not like to be kidded. No, be careful, he does have a lot of weapons and getting under his considerably thin skin could be dangerous to your health. So please just play along, his attention span is shorter than his puny hands. Actually having small hands is a luxury in the art of magic and sleight-of-hand. After you shake his hand, count your fingers.
Now for the 65 million or so of us who did not buy into the snake oil this charlatan was selling the only way we can be effective at protecting the world right now is to alert you to the dangers of what our system has wrought. Please take him as a joke, please humor him, protect yourselves and the rest of us. We are truly sorry and wish it were not so, but alas it is. One can only hope that he will get so sick of winning that he will tire of the job or his party will tire of him and toss him out in favor of a more serious conservative, his V.P. That will present itself with a whole other set of problems but those we will have to confront in the domestic arena. Just for now, however, do not let this silly fool rattle you or your fellow leaders.
Your society is steeped in a long history and experience when dealing with adversaries. Just consider this another blip on the screen and ignore it, and trust that it will just go away. We will do everything in our power to enlighten the populace as to what a blunder they have helped to create and hopefully we will survive and learn from our mistakes.