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Hi, it’s Felonius Ax of the Billionaires here, speaking on behalf of the Health Insurance Industry. We’ve been taking some heat from healthcare activists for our propensity to siphon upwards of 30% of Health Insurance Premiums into our coffers in the form of “administrative costs,” which is the technical term we use to describe the massive Executive Compensation Package our CEO gets. They are also miffed over our habit of buying elected officials whom we can count on to maintain this very lucrative status quo. Why do we act this way? Is it just pure rapacious greed that spurs us on? Not at all! On the contrary. We do it for YOU!

healthcare gatekeepers

We are here to preserve your moral fiber as Americans, whenever your suffering gets the best of you, by encouraging you to TOUGH IT OUT! Americans are special. We’re not like that bunch of wienies who live in France: In the face of sickness and woe, they’re all,”Ooh-la-la! I have un mal du tête! I will go to le docteur toute suite! And then they drive their Renault to any doctor they please and never have to think about the cost of the treatment. This makes them weak – not physically – obviously they’re stronger and healthier than most Americans, thanks to their single-payer health insurance, but it makes them morally weak.

Or those other wienies, the Japanese, who see doctors more frequently than any other people on earth. It makes them weak – not physically weak, obviously – on average, they live four years longer than Americans do – but it makes them morally weak. But not here, because Americans don’t run to the doctor every time something hurts. No sirree. Americans TOUGH IT OUT!

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That’s why we insurers charge you such high copayments and deductibles. Yes, to line our pockets, but more importantly, it’s so you’ll have “skin in the game.” If you want to see one of the doctors in our network, you’re gonna have to pay!. So you’ll think twice before you go running to the doctor like a wienie for the any little thing – bleeding abscess, dizzy spells, strange lumps, persistent gastric distress.

If you have a dog, you’re very glad your fridge has a door on it. Otherwise Roscoe or Miss Pretty Paws a is going to enjoy continuous access to all your yummy leftovers. In this analogy, all of YOU are the dogs and we in the Insurance Industry are the fridge doors.

So the next time it hurts every time you put pressure on your right foot, you just TOUGH IT OUT and grit your teeth like an American and keep walking forward. The next time your Irritable Bowel Syndrome kicks in like gangbusters, you just TOUGH IT OUT and grit your teeth like an American and do your best to smile through the stabbing pain.

Americans pay more than any other country for healthcare and get lousier results. We live shorter lifespans and have higher infant mortality. But we have grit and moxie, and are morally superior to everyone else, thanks your Health Insurance Companies who serve as the healthcare gatekeepers, who force you to TOUGH IT OUT the way an only an American can!

clifford felonious ax tasner

Felonius Ax
(aka Clifford J. Tasner)