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We are the Billionaires! We are the smallest, most misunderstood, most beleaguered minority in America, nay, the world! We have rich traditions, such as “The Passing of Wealth to Our Offspring,” and beautiful rituals, such the “Buying of the Politician.” Every election season, politicians line up behind us. We drop our trousers and bend over so they can affix their lips to our glutei. Afterward, we hand each of them a huge wad of cash to fund their campaigns so they can continue to do our bidding long after they get elected. It’s a tender and lovely exchange!

Bloomberg for President

Bernie Sanders wants to do away with these important Billionaires cultural touchstones! In fact, Bernie Sanders would like to do away with Billionaires altogether! He would, for the first time since our beloved Ronald Reagan’s Presidency, force us to pay our fair share of taxes! We’ll be like those Native American children who were taken from their families and put in orphanages, given Christian names and forbidden to speak the languages of their birth. Before you know it, we will cease to exist…as Billionaires – we’ll merely be multi-millionaires. It’s not the same thing! We would still exist in our bodies, but that core of our being, that insatiable greed that powers everything we do would starve from neglect. Bernie Sanders wants to commit economic genocide against our people!

Yes, Donald Trump has been a friend to the Billionaires. But in spite of his own assertions to the contrary, he’s more “Billionaire-adjacent” than an actual Billionaire.

Yes, Donald Trump has been a friend to the Billionaires. But in spite of his own assertions to the contrary, he’s more “Billionaire-adjacent” than an actual Billionaire. Could you imagine how much it would mean to all 621 of us if one of our own succeeded at buying the Presidency? I’m so proud to declare that there are not one, but two Billionaires running for President in the Democratic Primary. And the one nearest and dearest to our hearts is Michael Bloomberg.

Michael Bloomberg understands the burdens we bear by having consolidated most of the nation’s wealth into our coffers. It’s a lot of responsibility knowing that you make more money in the time it takes you to void your bladder than the average American earns in a year. Mike feels our pain! He’s the ideal candidate. He was a Republican and now he’s a Democrat. He has used his largesse to keep the Senate in the hands of Republicans, but he’s also showered enormous grants on cities with African American mayors, who are now able to see past all the black and brown men who got shoved up against a wall and searched during Mike’s New York City Stop-And-Frisk years, to endorse him. He’s buy-partisan. He buys Republicans and Democrats!

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When Barack Obama was President, little African American children could look up and think, “Gee, if I work hard and commit to doing the bidding of Wall Street over Main Street, maybe I too can be President!” It would be the same for Muffy, Chad and Chip, my three darling heirs, my scions. My sweet trust-fund babies! Instead of feeling consigned to the drudgery of being merely a Hedge Fund Manager, or a CEO, a President Bloomberg would inspire incredibly rich children like them to set their sights higher – to aspire to be the guy who signs all the Billionaire-friendly legislation passed by the Representatives and Senators we bought and paid for.

We shudder at the thought of a Bernie Sanders presidency, and we’ll muster our friends in the Corporate Media and the Corporate Democratic Party Leadership and the DNC to make sure that never happens! Imagine how passage of Medicare For All would upset the delicate natural balance:

If the common people are provided comprehensive healthcare with no premiums, copayments and deductibles, before you know it, they’ll start to want other things, like free public college and university! Or the Green New Deal! Or to make Billionaires pay our fair share! Let’s imagine a Sanders Administration that is poised to bring these horrors to pass. I shudder to think on it! At some point though, the people will want something that’s just a bridge too far – something they can’t have – even with a Democratic Socialist in the White House and a huge movement of energized, passionate Progressives in the streets demanding change. Maybe they want perfect parallel parking every time! Or fried eggs where the yolks never break! They’re bound to be disappointed. And that disappointment could fester and cause all kinds of problems.

Studies have shown that pessimist live longer than optimists. It’s because they go through life with very low expectations. They don’t waste any time feeling let down. This is why we Billionaires have conspired to make the lives of all the rest of you kind of lousy! We must come together to elect Michael Bloomberg President of the United States. He’ll be sure to keep your expectations low so you never have to feel disappointed! You’re welcome!

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Felonius Ax (aka Clifford J. Tasner)