Pope: “Jesus Didn’t Die on the Cross”

THE VATICAN (Reuters) —The Catholic world is in upheaval and confusion after an announcement today by Bishop Richard Williamson and Pope Benedict that Jesus, contrary to centuries of church doctrine, did not in fact die on the cross as was previously taught.

Said Jesuit Father Federico Lombardi, papal spokesman: “The length and width of the cross was such that an average human being could not have supported himself for three hours in that position. Moreover, given our metallurgical analysis of nails used in Roman times, and the anatomical structure of the human hand, the tissue would have torn immediately upon raising the cross.”

Echoing German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s scathing rebuke of the Vatican, the British head of state, Queen Elizabeth II, issued a written statement that the Pope was an “anus horribilis.” About to deliver the keynote address at the 2009 Papua, New Guinea Food and Nutrition Conference, Prince Philip made an unusual personal announcement.

“Although Benedict and I are on a first-name basis, we must take exception to his recent statements.

“We British do not subscribe to any sort of race-hate or religious invective. The British Empire was founded on the principle of equality among and respect between all peoples. It does not matter in Britain which type of Christianity you believe in.”

He refused to comment on recent tabloid photographs of Prince Harry at a party dressed as a Roman centurion.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, on a speaking tour through several southern states in the United States, was asked briefly by a reporter for a response to Benedict’s pronouncement.

“We don’t do popes,” Blair replied. A trusted source added: “Toe is scared to death of being voted out of the Catholic Church. He’ll say or do anything to prevent that from happening.”

French opposition leader Jean-Marie Le Pen issued the following statement: “We deeply regret and reject the Pope’s recent report. Let us hope that it soon shall be regarded as nothing more than a footnote in history.”

Says Martin Gregory of London, whose home has become a local shrine after an asparagus fern with the image of Jesus was found in his garden, “I haven’t seen a drop-off in the number of pilgrims.” When asked to speculate why, he said, “The people who come here don’t just think something because somebody like the Pope tells them to think it. We make up our minds based on facts and evidence.”

“We applaud the Pope for taking this first, brave step toward acknowledging that invisible beings do not hold sway in our Universe,” wrote Ian Robinson, president of the Rationalist Society of Australia, via email. The Society cancelled a major press conference yesterday because Robinson is under observation in hospital for what may be a bacterial infection. Next week, the Society unveils its new ad campaign, with the slogan: “Black Holes? Really?”

The Spartacus League of Britain, as expected, was most vocal in its opposition to the religious decree. “It’s utter bollocks to say a man can’t hang from a cross. We know one man who did. And it’s not the man who talks to fig trees,” said League Central Committee Co-Facilitator Eibhlin McDonald. In one of their largest demonstrations in decades, forty-five members of the Communist League paraded through Trafalgar Square with placards reading: “I am Jesus.”

In related news, Liechtenstein has recalled its ambassador to the Holy See. A spokesman said, “This has nothing to do with the Pope’s statements. We just figured out the Vatican is not a real country.”

Jonathan David Farley

Dr. Jonathan David Farley, is the 2004 Harvard Foundation Distinguished Scientist of the Year. He is currently Teaching and Research Fellow teaching mathematics at the Institut für Algebra Johannes Kepler Universität Linz, Linz Österreich.


  1. Michael says

    When I say Jesus Didnt Die its not just in my mind but the Words the One recorded found 1945 AD These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke. I could show you in the Ones words that are recorded then but I think a Google search would help you more. Thank You

  2. PaulC1958 says

    The Pope is absolutely correct, a highly unusual state of affairs when this or any other Pope talks about God or Jesus. Jesus did not in fact exist therefore he could not have been nailed to a cross. Furthermore, God doesn’t in fact exist and neither does the Holy Spirit. Why would anyone get upset by what a former NAZI dressed like a Gay guy at the San Francisco Gay Day parade has to say about anything?

  3. Audra H. says

    I can't read the language, but the Bible clearly states Jesus DIED on the cross and was arisen, nobody can comment something that they haven't read themselves. I might be 16 from the U.S. but even I know that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. All things are possible through him. He died for our sins, if he didn't die, our sins wouldn't be forgiven. That's a given. The Bible states it. And seriously other posters said something about, "No proof…" That's faith! I don't need proof, If I believe, then it's real. Faith is believing in something that you don't have to prove, you just have to believe.

    "What good is it for man to gain the whole world and yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:36

    • Michael says

      You know its funny how the world is about the One on the cross, and the way its taken by so many, and the paths that got us today. The Spirit is God first, Made flesh is the same, as the One in you first. And its not just in my mind, but its in the book, in I AM. Thats before the birth and after the cross I AM. Paradise is the beginning with Adam and Eve, with God, Paradise is again at the cross with the One is the same.Enter text righthere!

  4. Peter Eisenhardt says

    Dick and Sharon – I must agree that this is confusing and misleading. If it were the Onion, noone would be surprised, though as satire it is not on a par with the best the Onion has to offer. But here we are used to seeing real news and opinion stories, so this really undercuts the legitimacy of your publication. I think you should consider posting a prominent statement in your next issue making it clear this was intended as satire, and that in the future you will clearly identify satire in some way.

  5. Michael says

    Why is it so hard to believe Jesus Didnt Die, When on the cross the One said Paradise that Day, is Paradise death, or a place of no death. Paradise is with God, Jesus opened Paradise that day, the law was changed, and the Veil was torn in two. And is that not the promise of Jesus if you believe you shall not die, Than what in the world makes you think He did.

  6. Paul McDermott says

    J. D. Farley should be writing for The Onion and not the Progressive. This article is not at all serious, and if he really wanted to satirize Williamson and Benedict XVI, he could have made a better effort.

  7. Carole Lutness says

    Beliefs are just that. They are beliefs, theories, hypotheses. They are not facts. The only reason to subscribe to a belief is that its frame is helpful to you in arriving at a concept about a particular issue. People have a myriad of beliefs that can’t be proven. No harm, no foul. It’s only when people go to war defending their conceptual framework that we get into trouble. There is no “right” theory/belief/hypothesis until it is unequivocally proven by scientific evidence. I hold my beliefs lightly and measure how they help me try to make this world a better place.

  8. C. Burns says

    I do get that Dr. Farley’s intention is to hold up Bishop Williamson to ridicule for disputing the Holocaust — and I certainly applaud that concept.

    But I would say Dr. Farley is a math and science expert who probably should stick to math and science — at least until he learns (or brushes up on) what “satire” means and how to execute it.

    Here’s a starter course ~~

    “In satire, human or individual vices, follies, abuses, or shortcomings are held up to censure by means of ridicule, derision, burlesque, irony, or other methods, ideally with the intent to bring about improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, the purpose of satire is not primarily humour in itself so much as an attack on something of which the author strongly disapproves, using the weapon of wit.

    A very common, almost defining feature of satire is its strong vein of irony or sarcasm, but parody, burlesque, exaggeration, juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical speech and writing. The essential point, however, is that “in satire, irony is militant”. This “militant irony” (or sarcasm) often professes to approve the very things the satirist actually wishes to attack.”

  9. admin says

    This satirical piece was written by Dr. Farley is in response to the outlandish remarks made by Bishop Williamson. This is not a serious piece.

  10. Suzanne says

    This article seems really odd … especially given the well written and researched articles that generally appear on this site.

    First, I cannot find this being reported anywhere else on the web. Second, it seems hard to believe that Bishop Richard Williamson and Pope Benedict would release a joint statement about anything, given that Pope Benedict … just this past month … stated that the apology issued by Williamson, the ultraconservative bishop who denied the Holocaust, was not good enough to admit him into the Catholic Church as a clergyman.

    Background … In an interview broadcast last month on Swedish state TV, Williamson denied 6 million Jews were killed during the Holocaust, saying 200,000 or 300,000 were murdered. He said none were gassed.

    I’d suggest everyone do more research before passing this information along to others. If this is false, the article should be pulled.

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