In Irving, Texas, yesterday, Ahmed Mohamed, a 14-year-old freshman at MacArthur High School was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school.
He was also found to be in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
Ahmed was handcuffed and taken into custody by Irving police officers, charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. At a morning press conference, Irving Mayor and outspoken Islamophobe Beth Van Duyne said she believes Ahmed is also a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Mayor Van Duyne said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value."
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Mayor Van Duyne said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle,“ added MacArthur Principal Dan Cummings.
When asked to comment further on the arrest, Mayor Van Duyne said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified,” she continued,” that we have been given this as a sine that we need to be on guard, protracting ourselves from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.”
“Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," added Irving Police Chief Larry Boyd. "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
Mayor Van Duyne continued, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton concluded by saying, "As our Great Former President George Bush would say, “Read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."