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Wiretap Me Baby


Psst! Hey you! Warrantless-Wiretapper:

Let me save you some time and money eavesdropping on me. Here’s the content of most of my calls:

I talk to my friends a lot, mostly about the same things over and over. We feel fat. We wonder how to get skinnier, younger and less broke. We want hot, smart, funny, sustainable and preferably not uber-jealous people in our lives, but mostly, we want someone to grow old with, who will witness our lives and won’t mind checking our moles till we die.

When we’re dating, we’ll talk about things that we love and/or annoy us about said mole-checker. If we break up, we will talk extensively about who said what to whom, how that made us feel and there will be lots of “What an ass!” and “Are you fu**ing kidding me’s?”

Then we’ll talk to some friends about those very same friends. Sometimes we’ll say nice things, but sometimes, when we’re feeling small, petty or just p.m.s.’ing we’ll say mean things about people we claim to like and love.

We’ll discuss the end of the world, what we’re going to eat, how little we should drink, and how we’re much too old for hangovers. We’ll encourage each other, prop each other up and deeply vow that we will never drink wine with sulfites again and how we can’t wait to go to wine country this year, for sure.

With our loved ones, we will talk about which movie to watch, how the world is heating up, how gas is so expensive and how buying a Smart car might be smart, the idiots who run yellow lights, the expensiveness of healthcare, the pro’s and con’s of moving to Canada, the audacity of the Iraq Occupation and the incompetency of George W. Bush. But mostly we will say rushed “I love you’s” and “be home soon’s.”


And, when there are suspicions about our mole-checker’s fidelity, we will perform our own warrantless wiretapping by logging into their computers and trying to crack their passwords or scroll through their cell phones to see whom they are calling. And you will hear: “So who’s Coco75?” or “Whose number is 279-476-3343?” and these calls will include a lot of stuttering, silence and awkward pauses usually followed by “Hello?” and “Are you still there’s?”

You’ll hear kids call their Mom’s to ask them if they can have a Pepsi or if it’s okay to stay over at Steve’s house and 9-11 calls and “It’s a girl!” and “I’m so sorry to inform you’s ….” And a few great stock tips which you won’t be able to capitalize on.

You will hear people plan trips around the world, sometimes to places like Iran and when you hear IRAN, your ears will perk up and you will say, “Wait, go back! What was that?”

And then someone else will say how they got BOMBED last night. And again your ears will perk up and you will discover it’s just some teenage kid talking about how he drank the leftover boxed wine in the garage.

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You’ll hear us call congress and express our outrage about warrantless wiretapping and you’ll hear a handful of “life doesn’t mean anything anymore’s.” And some of those you are listening to will be vets of this war or other wars.

You will hear it all and I’m just wondering if you’re performing warrantless wiretapping on a vet who says he wants to kill himself, will you intercede?

Can you intercede?

When your work day is over, after listening for keywords and looking for spikes in America’s chatter, you will drape your desk and leave your top secret cubicle, drive out of your top secret facility to your two-bedroom condo that you bought with your bloated civilian contractor pay check. You will open the door, take off your shoes and pad around in your socks and pour yourself a glass of wine. After you drain the bottle, you’ll wander around your place, notice how quiet it is and eventually drunk-dial people that you used to screw back when you had a sex life, before you took a classified job that you couldn’t talk about.


The next day you will vow never again to drink wine with sulfites. On the way to work you’ll pass monuments of dead guys who drafted the Constitution and you will wonder why no one ever invites you to go to wine country.

by April Fitzsimmons

Republished with permission from The Mad As Hell Club, where it first appeared.

April Fitzsimmons (Woman of Mass Distraction) is a writer/actor/activist living in Los Angeles. After a brief stint in a Montana slammer she joined the Air Force at 17 and became an Intelligence Analyst during the Cold War. A visit to the National Security Agency changed her forever and she high-tailed out of the classified world with a bevy of no-good secrets and an honorable discharge and headed to Hollywood. She crewed several films and wrote a book called Breaking & Entering, about how to land your first job in Film Production. After 9/11 she joined Veterans for Peace and wrote a solo show called THE NEED TO KNOW that has run for six years in LA. THE NEED TO KNOW is now playing at Whitefire Theatre in Sherman Oaks and in August 08' at the Kirk Douglas Theatre in Culver City. You can see articles, essays and show times at her website: April Fitzsimmons welcomes your comments. You can email her at

Another article by April:

21 May 2008Winter Soldier

LA Progressive