Unforeseen consequences continue to unfold in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
Ronna Romney McDaniel, Chair of the Republican National Committee, announced a $2 billion goal for a fund the group has established to care for orphaned children. “We care about life,” she stated, “and since the decision we endorsed will result in many more poor women giving birth to children they would have chosen not to have and can’t afford to support, it’s our responsibility to step up to the plate and help raise them.”
Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch attended the press conference, and both pledged their support. Then they sat down and winked at each other. Confronted with the apparent contradiction, Senators Susan Collins of Maine and Joe Manchin of West Virginia said in separate statements that they were confident the justices would fulfill their promises. “I know they weren’t under oath at this meeting,” Collins said, “but surely nobody would lie to the American people. Or to United States Senators. Would they?”
To date, the fund has brought in $2.83.
Three blocks away, Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas were doing an interview with Fox News. “This is just the beginning,” Thomas stated. “We also now have a steadily increasing number of ordinary law-abiding citizens with concealed weapons enforcing the new restrictions on medical procedures. That’s perfectly legal. They are part of our well-regulated militia.”
“That makes sense,” Tucker Carlson said. “And, if I may quote from your brilliant opinion, Justice Alito, it’s good to see that the ‘national controversy that has embittered our political culture for a half century’ has finally been resolved. Peace and quiet have been restored to our street corners and public buildings. Domestic tranquility at last! But what do you make of the fact that a group of prosecutors has issued a statement indicating that they will refuse to enforce the new ruling?”
“Well,” Alito replied, “we can’t legally hang them. Yet.”
Carlson’s brow curled and his nose shriveled up, until he resembled a rat pretending to have logical thoughts. “Does this decision have any ramifications for same-sex or biracial marriages, same-sex relationships, or married couples’ access to contraception?”
“More than likely,” Thomas replied. “But we’d want to grandfather in existing biracial marriages.”
“I’ll throw this one up for either of you to comment on,” Carlson said. “There’s a growing movement in this country to divide our great land into two or more nations, along political lines. The Texas Republican Party, for example, has officially announced its support for that state to secede from the union.”
“Not going to say I want that to happen,” Alito said. “But people like to live with their own kind. Who’s to say in a few years we won’t have three nations: Western States, Northeastern States, and Flyover States. There would probably be some geographical discontinuity, and those isolated states could just Zoom into important meetings when necessary. The dissolution could, potentially, be peaceful. Just give people a few years notice to move to a place where they feel comfortable with the laws and the societal norms. Sure, some liberals and conservatives will decide to stay in nations that are hostile to their views, but nothing’s perfect. The closest we can get is ‘more perfect.’”
“Wouldn’t it be unconstitutional for states to secede?” Carlson asked.
It would be constitutional if I say it is,” Alito replied. “The word ‘band” doesn’t appear in the constitution. Therefore, as an originalist, I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that it can’t be unconstitutional for various groups of existing states to band together—you know, to establish justice, promote the common defense, and . . . well, sorry, I forget the rest of it.