Dear Mr President,
Jesus! Did no one ever explain the importance of OPTICS to you? For someone who is supposedly the world’s best deal maker, this has been a bad week. Let me give you a short course:
- First, don’t leave the country while Pence is still here. I know you thought he was safely in some South American shithole on some doomed-to-failure diplomatic mission, but you were no sooner over the Pacific than he sneaked back in and started swaggering around in his bomber jacket using words like “global” and “hemisphere”. If there’s one thing Mike understands it’s optics.
While you and Kim were sipping lukewarm green tea and basking in memories of Singapore, Cohen was sharing red meat with Congress.
- Second, don’t leave the country until Cohen is safely behind bars. While you and Kim were sipping lukewarm green tea and basking in memories of Singapore, Cohen was sharing red meat with Congress. Instead of “Trump and Kim”, the country feasted on “Trump and Stormy, Trump and Stone, Trump and Pecker, Trump and Jr, Trump’s SATs, Trump’s Portrait, Trump’s Lies, Trump’s Cheats, Trump’s Racism, and Trump’s Tax Returns”. The front page of Thursday’s NY Times had only a tiny (really tiny) picture of you and Kim and consigned the summit story itself to page A9.
- Third, don’t leave the country without your own props. The aforementioned tiny (I mean really tiny) picture shows you and L’l Rocket sitting in a loving chat, but his chair is taller than yours (he brought both), so his head towers over you by a good two inches. Your right leg is splayed out in front to keep your knee from bumping your elbow when you sit back, but at the moment you’re leaning forward as if in supplication. Kim has mastered Putin’s trick of making you come to him.
- Finally, don’t take all your friends along on a second date, having declared in advance how much in love you are and having invited them to bring their smart phones to record your proposal and the anticipated gushing acceptance – what if your lover shows up with his own pre-nup?
Now, if you don’t order an invasion of Venezuela at once, you will look weak and stupid. A loser. That’s optics for you.
Received by the White House at 12:01 AM EST, 1 March 2019