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Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker

Friday, 23 November 2018

Dear Mr President,

This week Trixie Gavilan, Criminal Justice Reporter for the Western Flicker (“Not your ordinary peckerwood’s woodpecker”), followed Iowa weight-lifter and Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker to the Useful Tool Executive Gym and sat down next to his bench press. “Can we talk?” she asked.

“I am assuming that you understand that there could be serious civil and criminal consequences for you,” he replied.

“Isn’t that how you threatened a customer whom your company defrauded – the company for whom you touted the ‘masculine toilet’ for guys with long penises?���

“I barely knew that company. Besides, I was simply speaking from experience.”

“Never mind. But what qualifies you to be the head of the DOJ?”

“Listen, I’m just the eyes and ears of the White House at DOJ. Donald Trump is . . . you know . . . the sort of . . . you might say . . . brains. I barely know him, by the way.”

“I can press Jeff Sessions and Rod Rosenstein. At the same time.”

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“Doubtless. But I was thinking of intellectual qualifications.”

“Listen, I’m just the eyes and ears of the White House at DOJ. Donald Trump is . . . you know . . . the sort of . . . you might say . . . brains. I barely know him, by the way.”

“But you’ve been to the White House more than a dozen times.”

“Maybe so, but only to hand in secret documents and receive orders. I have plausible deniability. That means I can deny anything that’s plausible. If it’s implausible, I just say it’s true.”

“Do you mean that you are revealing to the president the evidence against him?”

“Of course! I’ve said that the law must be administered with a ‘Biblical view of justice’. Remember that when David was caught sneaking around on the palace roof to peep at Bathsheba bathing, he said, ‘Verily I am the king so who shall judge me? Judge not, lest you be caught when you peepeth at your neighbor. Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not. And upon the table of shewbread spread a cloth of blue, and put thereon the dishes, the spoons, and the bowls, and the continual bread shall be thereon. Also there was no collusion.’”

[dc]“T[/dc]hat doesn’t make any sense.”

dan-embree-17

“Hey, we won the election. Get over it.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:07 AM EST, 23 November 2018