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big donnie

Friday, 10 May 2019

Dear Mr President,

In this racket, I see a lot of trouble. But that’s the game, and if I didn’t want to play it, I wouldn’t have had my feet up on the desk behind a door that had “Big Donnie – Investigations” painted in black on the frosted glass.

She carried one of those brassy scale things in one hand and a sort of sword thing in the other. She made me nervous, crossing her legs under that long, slinky gown.

There was a knock. Then without a pause a dame stepped in. I looked her up and down – up as far as her breasts and down as far as her hips. When I finally found her face, I could see that she was trouble. Her eyes were veiled, but she seemed to be looking right through me. She was statuesque and blonde (like me) wore a long slinky gown that left her shoulders bare. I saw the possibilities. She carried one of those brassy scale things in one hand and a sort of sword thing in the other. She made me nervous, crossing her legs under that long, slinky gown. To avoid the eyes I couldn’t see, I concentrated on what I could – her shoulders. Bare, like I said.

“What can I do to . . . I mean for you, sweetheart? Got a name?”

“Call me Miss J. I need you to find someone for me.”

“That’s what I do, Precious. I have small hands, but a very big brain. What’s the beef? Guy run out on you?”

“You could say that. I hired him to do a job, but he kept finding ways to squirm out of it. Then he blew town – went over to the other side, I think.”

“Trust me, I’ll find him, and then he’ll do it. I have ways. What’s he look like?”

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“I don’t see very well, but middle-aged, I think. Fat. Complacent. Face like a plate of mashed potatoes. Short arms, fat hands, always groping in front of himself as if he’s trying to grasp something that he can’t quite reach.”

“Moniker?”

“Calls himself Billy B-something. Burr? Bier? Bore?”

“Oh, Billy B! I can’t help you, Babe. He works for me.”

“I thought he was working for me.”

“I found him first, Sugar. Finders keepers. But maybe there’s some other way I can satisfy you.”

“Forget it, buster. I don’t see very well, but I have a good sense of smell.”

And then she strode out. I guess I’ll never know what that was about. But, as I say, it was bound to be trouble.

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Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 12:00 AM EST, 10 May 2019