Friday, 16 March 18
Dear Mr President,
Since you’ve been busy with Un (in), Rex (out), and Stormy (who?), I thought I’d give you some cabinet updates. It’s good news all over.
• Ben Carson tried to return the $31,000 dining room set his wife Candy ordered for his HUD office, but craftsman Rip Tout, won’t take it back because it was a custom job. “There’s actually not much of a market for a 32-foot table hand-carved from solid slabs of rain-forest mahogany and chairs upholstered with silk looted from the Mosul Historical Museum,” Tout said. But Candy plans to buy the set for the Carson cottage in Palm Springs at the knocked-down price of $633. “Which is what I would have paid at IKEA for the comparable Skogsta/Kaustby,” she said. “I’m taking that set off HUD’s hands, and they should be grateful.”
Asked about her role in supervising torture at a secret “black site” and in destroying the evidence later, Gina Haspel smiled sweetly and said “Goodness gracious, Dear, are you sure you want to ask that?”
• Scott Pruitt has agreed to start flying coach on his frequent trips around the country to observe the salutary effects of slashing environmental regulations – provided that he can seat his entire 18-person security detail around him and that no one in coach is allowed to use the forward restrooms. “The public has to be aware of the threat I’m under from eco-terrorists,” Pruitt said. “An old lady in a surgical mask came up and mumbled at me, like I was responsible for the air or something, but I think she was really a Muslim wearing a kabab. My detail was on her like a duck on a June-bug. Frog-marched her back to her seat and stared at her until she cried.”
• Gina Haspel, your soft-spoken and grandmotherly choice as the CIA Director, has been making the rounds on Capitol Hill ahead of her hearing. Asked about her role in supervising torture at a secret “black site” and in destroying the evidence later, she smiled sweetly and said “Goodness gracious, Dear, are you sure you want to ask that?” and handed the reporter a bottle of water with her special IN YOUR FACE label. After the reporter ran off, Gina resumed her smiling visits to senate offices, dropping off her bottles of water.
Received at the White House at 3:28 AM EST, 16 March 2018