Skip to main content
Cuckoo Trump

Friday, 8 February 2019

Dear Mr President,

Hour four of Executive Time: Mulvaney enters. POTUS is posing in front of his Orange-Glow Military-Grade full-length tanning mirror – a Christmas gift from Ivanka (on sale from Straphanger’s, $99.99, free shipping). His right hand is thrust between the 3-inch white lapels of his black Hermann Goering Blitzkrieger – an after-Christmas gift from Junior (XXL, marked down to $129.95 at

TRUMP: “I could have been a great general – a lot of people are saying.”

MULVANEY: “Everyone says so, sir -- and except for that unfortunate foot thing . . . But the intel chiefs are here with a present – a high-tech clock devised by their artificial-intelligence people.”

TRUMP: “Hang it over there. But I don’t need intelligence because I’ve got good genes!”


TRUMP: “FOOLS! Your clock isn’t set right. It thinks it’s one o’clock.”

I want photos of Venezuelan terrorists wrapped in prayer rugs carrying women wrapped in duct tape.”

HASPEL: “Sorry about that, sir. Here are the photos of the ISIS attack in Syria.”

TRUMP: “FAKE! I want photos of Venezuelan terrorists wrapped in prayer rugs carrying women wrapped in duct tape.”


Scroll to Continue

Recommended Articles

TRUMP: “There it goes again!”

WRAY: “Never mind, sir. We’re on the Venezuelan mullah-terrorist-trafficker thing. But that may just be from the movies – like when Reagan quoted the admiral asking ‘Where do we find such men?’ It was actually Fredric March in The Bridges at Toko Ri.”

TRUMP: “He was an idiot. After the invasion I want a parade through Cracow. And this time we keep the oil!”

COATS: “Cracow? That’s in Poland, sir. No oil there. Perhaps you mean Caracas?”

TRUMP: “NEVER SAID THAT! OUT OF CONTEXT! Anyway, Venezuela has too many Venezuelans. So I’m going to toss condoms from my tank. Steven Miller is preparing the plan.”

“Cuckoo, cuckoo!”


MULVANEY: “Right, Chief. But let’s not tweet about the Cracow parade and the condoms. Just wait until the Mueller Report – I mean the Miller Plan – is done, OK?”

TRUMP: “OK. But have maintenance fix this clock, and also make this mirror wider!”


“Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 12:02 AM EST, 8 February 2019.