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declaring war on canada

Friday, 15 June 18

Dear Mr President,

War fever has gripped Gatos Gordos County, turning all thoughts of the Mueller investigation into grounds for treason charges. There was a parade Saturday with the Smoot-Hawley High School band marching behind banners proclaiming “On to Attawapiskat!” and “This Time We Keep the Codfish!”

The abandoned Target store and parking lot have been commandeered by the Army as an internment camp for American Citizens of Canadian Ancestry. Those with English names have been hard to root out, so we’ve started with the French ones. Of course, there have been some pardonable mistakes: three teenagers named “Jean” were held until they protested that they were girls; 10-year-old Winston Garcia was booed for playing the Maple Leaf Rag at his piano recital; a search was made for Henri LeBlanc, the Latin teacher, until somebody remembered that he had been called up and sent to Iraq for his fourth tour.

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As Homeland Security Secretary Nielsen explained, “If there’s one thing they know, it’s borders. The days of Canucks sneaking over for sprees at the Baudette, Minnesota Wal-Mart are over!”

Our NM Guard company was already down on the border arresting aliens and confiscating their children, but their mission has been changed to recruitment: now they are swearing in the adults and marching them (they’re used to walking) to Fort Sill for basic training. The kids are still being confiscated as felons.

Here on the Home Front we are cheered by news of your Mutual Assistance Deal with Kim, and we look forward to the arrival of crack North Korean border guards under General Gung Ho Goon to advise inexperienced US officers on tightening up the Canadian border. As Homeland Security Secretary Nielsen explained, “If there’s one thing they know, it’s borders. The days of Canucks sneaking over for sprees at the Baudette, Minnesota Wal-Mart are over!”

Your strategic decision to let Kim keep his nukes is being hailed here as far-sighted. As you explained in your Executive Tweet of War and Permanent Congressional Recess, “Must have nuke ally in Asia in case Japanese act up again!”

dan-embree-17

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 4:06 AM EST, 15 June 2018

PS: The bananas have landed.