Friday, 12 October 2018
Dear Mr President,
The main newspaper in Gatos Gordos County, The Western Flicker, runs a Sunday column called “ASK AGATHA’. Agatha Hexe, the Lovelorn and Home Repairs Editor answers letters sent in by county residents who are eager to learn what’s trending in Tucumcari. The latest issue had a few questions from students for whom Brett Kavanaugh is a role model, so I thought I’d pass them along.
Dear Agatha: Can you describe this game, Devil’s Triangle, that Brett played with his buddies? We play games at 4-H and would like to try it. We can’t drink yet. Can we play it with Coke?
“Dear Agatha: Can you describe this game, Devil’s Triangle, that Brett played with his buddies? We play games at 4-H and would like to try it. We can’t drink yet. Can we play it with Coke? – Chico Stumpf, age 12.”
“Dear Chico: Drinking only affects this game before it starts, because the physical demands do not allow drinking during. Coke would be OK. It requires two persons of one gender and one of the other – I think the one has to be female. All must be agile. It can begin in various ways, but because timing is difficult, it often ends in tears.”
“Dear Agatha: What is ‘boofing’? Is it a form of boffing?” – Lisa Cervantes, age 17.”
“Dear Lisa: No. Boffing requires two people, but boofing can be accomplished by one who wants to achieve an elevation of psychoactivity without the encumbrance of social interaction or the tedium of colloquy. A liquid containing a certain percentage of C2H6O is induced by gravitational force into the canalis alimentarius extremum. Effects are immediate. I hope this is clear.”
“Dear Agatha: What did Brett mean by ‘Renate Alumnius’? I can’t find it in my Latin book. – Wally Rivera, age 13."
[dc]“D[/dc]ear Wally: ‘Alumnius’ isn’t in your Latin book, because it isn’t a Latin word. It is apparently a misspelling of ‘alumnus’, here meaning one who has ‘graduated’ from ‘Renate’, a girl whom Kavanaugh and his choir-fellows were claiming to have boffed or triangulated. This treatment of the girl was apparently deemed acceptable by the Jesuits who supervised the yearbook, but we must hope they thrashed him thoroughly for his mistake in Latin.”
Received by the White House at 12:01 AM EST, 12 October 2018