Friday, 26 October 2018
Dear Mr President,
Last night Chief Investigator Mike Pompeo of the Presidential Investigation of Fantasies Founded on Lame Evidence led a lightning raid on an exclusive address in suburban New Jersey. His strike force was acting on a tip from a pizza delivery boy who said he had just delivered five super-jumbo Arterioblasters to a 400-lb man with a strange computer sitting on a bed in a villa outside the Borough of Mantoloking.
Pompeo has long been hunting the mastermind of a string of unsolved political crimes dating back to the hacking of the Democratic National Committee, the dubbing of Trump’s voice onto the Hollywood Access tape, and the bugging of Trump Tower He is now focused on the rogue murder of Washington Post writer Jamal Khashoggi.
Pressed on how the hacking of the DNC could be linked to that of Khashoggi, Pompeo confided, “Listen, we’re thinking outside the bounds of logic here.”
The raid ended when Pompeo busted down an unlocked bedroom door to discover ex-Governor Chris Christie wiping Dei Fratelli Speciale marinara sauce from his pajama top while watching videos of old press conferences on a Compaq Portable 486. “He slipped through our fingers this time,” Pompeo admitted, “but we think we’ve picked up his trail in Istanbul.”
Pressed on how the hacking of the DNC could be linked to that of Khashoggi, Pompeo confided, “Listen, we’re thinking outside the bounds of logic here. We can’t just jump Mueller-style to obvious conclusions like ‘Russians’ or ‘Saudis’ every time files are stolen or reporters go missing. The 400-lb bed-sitting evil genius has been our working profile since Trump conjured him up back in 2016. He’s like Holmes’s Dr Moriarty, always slipping in where you wouldn’t expect a 400-lb man. In Istanbul, he pulled off the subtle move of bringing a bone-saw to a fist fight. And he’s a suspect in the false-flag bombings of former presidents. Never mind the FBI. I’ve got that one covered.”
He added, “I don’t want to talk about any of the facts. That’s not what we do. As President Trump so wisely says in these situations, ‘Who knows? We’ll see what happens.’”
Received by the White House at 02:34 AM EST, 26 October 2018