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donny spurs

Friday, 23 March 2018

Dear Mr President,

A family sit-down. At midnight. In the basement.

Consigliere: “Listen up, people. We have a leak. He wants it plugged.”

Mickey the Mouthpiece: “By ‘He’ . . . you mean . . .?”

Consigliare: “Yeah. Demi-Digits. Fox-Pox. Macheesemo. MAGA-Mouth.”

Babbo: “So what’s the leak, then?”

La Eleganza: “Shut up, Babbo-Bro. If we knew who it was, the leak would be plugged, capisce?”

Consigliere: “Everybody shut up. We think the word is getting out about the tango Donny Spurs danced with La Tempestosa.”

“Everybody shut up. We think the word is getting out about the tango Donny Spurs danced with La Tempestosa.”

Babbo: “A dance?”

Consigliere: “Bene, basta, Babbo. Technically ‘coitus’.”

Babbo: “Omarosa has colitis? That’s terrible!”

La Eleganza: “Shut it, Babbo-Bro! You’re in over your head – like Duh.”

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Jay Kreeps: “I think I know who the leaker is – the Huckster. I think she’s talking to the press!”

Consigliere: “But that’s her job.”

Jay Kreeps: “Not with words! She’s just supposed to snarl at them. But now she’s saying things like ‘It’s been settled in his favor’. What does ‘it’ refer to? Doesn’t she know that ‘it’ is a pronoun – and has to have an antecedent? Where did she go to school? In Arkansas?”

[Awkward silence]

Consigliere: “And now this so-called ‘paternity information’.”

Mickey the Mouthpiece: “No way. Never happened! The Velveeta Don never melted on that macaroni, never posted that letter, never dipped his wick in that wax! It was David Dennison, a real gavone, cost me 130 large, and anyway the kid has been taken care of. Fuggedaboutit.”

Jay Kreeps: “You mean you know who the kid is?”

Donny Swag: “Well Duh! He looks just like him. And he’s a real bastard.”

Mickey the Mouthpiece: “Yes, technically , he . . .”

Donny Swag: “Same fat head, fat jowls. Same mouth pucker when he’s being nasty. Same trick of sticking labels on people.”

Babbo: “You mean . . . it’s . . . it’s . . . Lyin T–?”

Consigliere: “This sit-down is finito! Chiuso! You feel me?”


Babbo: “It wasn’t me! Anyway, I don’t understand any of this.”

Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:46 AM EST, 23 March 2018