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Friday, 24 May 2019

Dear Mr President,

An hour after President Trump stomped out of a meeting on infrastructure with Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer, he stomped into an emergency meeting of the cabinet. The purpose of the meeting was apparently to focus the collective brain-power of all the best people on a term the Democrats were rumored to be using in secret.

“They’ve been using the I-Word,” Trump shouted. “Imagine!”

Still bewildered by his embarrassing confusion of Oreos with REOs (Real Estate Owned properties) in a hearing of the House Financial Services Committee, Housing Secretary Ben Carson was the first to imagine out loud: “Ice Cream Cookies? Iced Vovos? Italian Spumoni Slices?”

He was dismissed by a wave of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s ponderous hand: “Iran? Invasion? How do they know about that? We’re not planning to involve the House in this war.”

“Infrastructure?” suggested Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. “Like the pretended purpose of that meeting? Maybe they actually have a plan to fix roads and bridges.”

“Oh, everybody knows about that," said Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar. “How about In vitro? In utero? Insemination? Disgusting words!”

Infrastructure?” suggested Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. “Like the pretended purpose of that meeting? Maybe they actually have a plan to fix roads and bridges.”

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“No, no, more likely it’s IRS Intransigence on Income Information," insisted Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “Four I’s,” he added proudly.

“Or Interment of Incriminating Evidence? Or Imaginative Interpretations of Law?” glumly sighed Attorney General William Barr.

“Isn’t it obvious?” chimed in Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan. “Insupportable Infestation of Indigent Immigrants from . . .”

“Silence, you idiots!” Trump roared.

“That’s it!” burst out Vice President Mike Pence. “Idiots! They’re referring to us!”

“SILENCE!!!”

And a chastened silence ensued. Then a flash of insight overcame Carson’s caution. He leaned back in his chair, smiled triumphantly, and said, “Imagawayaki! They’re usually filled with azuki bean paste, but I like to use vanilla custard.”

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Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:38 AM EST, 24 May 2019.