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Jean Carroll

Friday, 28 June 2019

Dear Mr President,

In a rare moment of reflection, the president lies in bed reviewing his recent triumphs:

“I’m the most powerful man on the planet and everyone senses that. Even the Queen, old and shrunken, looks at me like she’s trying to remember something. And Camilla glancing at me from the corners – one look at Charles and you can see why – and Meghan afraid to be in my presence because of what I might do. And the generals are just the same, scared I’ll put them on latrine duty if they look at my hands too closely

…then some has-been writer named Jean Carroll suddenly wants to grab a piece of my action by claiming I raped her in Bergdorf Goodman’s years ago, and – talk about nasty – that I penetrated her ‘halfway – or completely – she couldn’t tell.’

…and then some has-been writer named Jean Carroll suddenly wants to grab a piece of my action by claiming I raped her in Bergdorf Goodman’s years ago, and – talk about nasty – that I penetrated her ‘halfway – or completely – she couldn’t tell.’ If I had, she’d know, believe me

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…I kept the Dems dancing around for days like they couldn’t find the restroom because of my threats to bomb the Iranians . . . fun ordering up rockets and talking about swords and ‘the tip of the spear’

…then I acted a scene with some generals who kept saying ‘Sir’ and everything was ‘cocked and loaded’ – Jared says the real term is ‘locked and loaded’ and I should correct it because it makes people think of ‘half-cocked’ and that reminds them of what that Carroll broad said – but the thing is it reminds me of that too except for the ‘halfway’ part, what with the generals dancing around like the Dems or a frightened woman, wondering what’s next and secretly wanting it…and I’m in total control…but then I thought she’s not my type

…so I pretend to have a sudden thought, but it’s just my gut saying do something else, so I ask about casualties

…like anybody gives a rat’s ass about 150 dead Arabs

…or for that matter, 15 women whining about what they wish I’d done to them . . . and I called it off and let her go, and now I’m a hero and nominated for the peace prize and the statute has run out . . . and what I really think is this whole crisis is the work of some schmuck who’s loose and stupid.”

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Dan Embree

Received by the White House at 3:55 AM EST, 28 June 2019.