Friday, 19 October 2018
Dear Mr President,
Trixie Gavilan, Washington justice correspondent for The Western Flicker, was the first to interview Justice Brett Kavanaugh after his unfortunate accident in the Supreme Court Building on his first day. She found him in a wheel-chair in the lobby of Walter Reed Hospital, where he had been parked and abandoned by a nurse’s aide. On a hunch, she had brought along a six-pack of Hexenjagd Pils. Thus bribed, he told his story:
“I had just left my office on the third floor when I spotted three unattractive women, huddled at the top of the stairs, obviously engaged in a left-wing conspiracy of some sort. My vision was a little blurry, but I could tell that they were unentitled persons of the cleaning class.
I tried to slip by inconspicuously, but because they were blocking my way, I accidently brushed the palm of my hand across the bottom of the lumpy Jewish-looking one.
I tried to slip by inconspicuously, but because they were blocking my way, I accidently brushed the palm of my hand across the bottom of the lumpy Jewish-looking one. After she turned calmly, smiled at me, and kicked me in the groin, I recoiled in pain, almost ralphing, and then stumbled into the second one (dark, definitely Hispanic) whom I unintentionally ground into the nearby marble pillar, while clutching her breasts for support. With deliberate malice aforethought, she sucker-punched me in the left eye. As I lurched to my right, I saw the smallest one (thin, with tightly bound hair, really, really old) level a karate chop to the bridge of my nose.
I guess I bounced off the pillar then and fell backward down the stairs, ping-ponging between the Eye-for-an-Eye inscription from Genesis 21 and the mural of the Rape of the Sabine Women (really hot!) until I landed on my head at the foot of the Justice Roger ‘No-rights-which-a-white-man-is-bound-to-respect’ Taney statue. It was all over then – just like a black-out.”
The police say there were no witnesses.
Asked what he remembered most from the incident, Kavanaugh replied, “The laughter – uproarious laughter imprinted indelibly on my hyperentitlemus.”
Received by the White House at 2:46 AM EST, 19 October 2018